The Bittersweet Days

The last few months, crazy as they may have been, created some wonderful lifetime memories.  But, if I am being honest, one date on the calendar had been etched into my mind since well before 2020 began; that date was College Move In Day for my youngest son.  As much as the world provided lots of distractions the date kept creeping up on me.  We waited patiently to make sure the college would even open on schedule...when it was announced it would...we slowly began to prepare for his departure.

What I have to note, is when we took my daughter to college, I cried everyday for at least a week...and I had still had two boys at home.  Now, I was moving my youngest several hours away and my nest would be empty.  Not to mention, this  young man and I have walked through most of his life alone.  I was a single parent for most of what he remembers and he and I only had each other day to day. We are close. He is a blessing beyond measure.   

To say his move in day was hard would be an understatement of the greatest sort.  I was thrilled for him as I knew he was going to "his place" and felt confident his choice in of colleges but I kept thinking, as the Dad in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" says "Why you want to leave me???"  Yes, there were tears, but mostly left for the drive away.  

Where, Oh Where, Do I Start?

Wow…six months can bring a world of changes, hmm? 

I went into 2020 planning to return to the blogging world on a regularly schedule, only to have to stop.  THAT is another topic all together and one I probably will not be discussing but, alas…it has passed, and I can move clearly into my life…MY LIFE…beautiful words.

It almost seems as if so much has happened I should use bullet points!  I am not even sure where to start... 2020 began quietly with nothing special on the horizon, or so it seemed.

Then Covid-19 arrived.  Nope…I did not see that one coming!    

  
All the while Covid-19 was rattling the world, my dear, sweet baby boy was entering his last semester of high school and this crazy pandemic turned his world upside down. Right in the middle of what is usually some of the most fun and memorable moments of your high school career, he was literally and figuratively “grounded”… but not by me!  He and his friends were troopers, though, and social distanced and wore/wear masks and they made the best of not seeing each other for weeks on end.  

His college orientation weekend was canceled and rescheduled to be an online experience.  He didn’t get a last day of school, yearbook signing, goofy senior pranks, Awards Day or prom…but he did get graduation!  As May came into view our school made the decision to schedule graduation and it turned out different, but beautiful, and very special.  Though we celebrated with a limited amount of family and friends, it was still so nice to have something sort of normal!

When Covid-19 began making waves, I was working in a job I  liked, in an industry (Hospice) that I admire, and think is very important.  I must admit, working in the medical field, even outside of direct patient care, was quite unsettling as Covid-19 rolled in and shook everyone up.  Outside of my view God was at work in my world and He, out of the blue, presented me with a career that I had always wanted, working with a fabulous team of dedicated professionals and the opportunity to give back directly to MY community in a way that I had missed with my previous position in which I was traveling all the time.  It was a gift I never saw coming and I was excited  to be back “in town” and not being on the road so much!

 

So...I guess this is bullet point 1!  I will be back with bullet point 2 of 2020 soon!

8 Years ago....

I don't know if this date will ever lose the significance it has in my heart.  It is a day I still remember vividly...actually with a bizarre level of detail.  It was the day I saw my child dying. It was a day I saw the faces of my other children in more pain than I could imagine as fear of losing some one so dear to them hit them truly for the first time  It was also the day my baby boy and I started our journey into this thing called Epilepsy and seizures and crazy diets and refusing toxic treatments.  It was a day that planted a fear so deeply inside me that I knew only God understood. I didn't know that my youngest son and I would, more or less, walk this journey alone but we haven't done so bad.

8 years ago, everything was unknown...would he be alive the next day or the next?  Would he be permanently changed?  How could I help?  There were no answers.

But, 8 years later, most of it spent as a single parent...I have gotten to witness first hand, and continue to see, the amazing young man he is becoming.  Just a few weeks ago I got to watch as he signed his commitment to his first choice college - after also being accepted into his #2 and #3 choices!  Honestly, 8 years ago I didn't know if that would ever happen.  He has worked hard and I am proud of him for not letting anything hold him back.

I know many of you have prayed over this young man and thank you is not near enough.
 I know God heard our cries. 

Thank you, God, for this child.

Blessed,

A Very, Very, Very belated Birthday Wish....

How can my baby boy be 18?  How could I have not blogged it about it even in the month it happened?  It just seems time is flying by and I am trying my best to catch a moment or two of these memories.  In early September my dear son managed to turn 18 on the same day Hurricane Dorien decided to come for a visit.  Needless to say it kind of changed our plans for the day but...it did not keep us from celebrating with the traditional Birthday Fancy Pie - oh, and he got his birthday off from school!

I just want to say that this young man amazes me with this wit, sharp mind and kind heart regularly.  He loves me but not near as much as I love him.  He and I have been through a lot together, shared more laughs that I can count, lots of adventures and even some tears but I am grateful for every moment together.  I am blessed. Happy belated birthday to my heart; may all your wishes and dreams come true!

Fashion Friday - Frugalista Style!

I almost didn't get to  make a Fashion Friday as these photos were taken quickly, in the early morning, as I was rushing to get my DS2 to the airport before my work days started.  You may ask why I call this "Frugalista Style," it is because this is one of the fun outfits I have been wearing and it is almost exclusively a Cato Fashions find!  I love the pretty floral, flowy, top with extra cute details on the sleeves along with the stack of bracelets that include a coordinating tassel for this year's nod to the tassel trend.  The necklace that you can't really see is a another cute Cato find along with the hoop earrings that are all in rose gold. The pants are some that I love because they are "extra" with the detail at the hem and a tiny bit of bling which, as you know if you have been reading long, I just love.  Of course, I can't forget about the shoes because "it is all about the shoes..."  I was lucky enough to find the perfect blush pink pumps with the Marc Fisher Tuscany Pump!  They have come in so handy this season as that color seems to everywhere!

The only caveat I have about Cato Fashions is that they don't carry a lot of smaller sizes in my local stores.  The pants are actually a size too big but since the top is so flowy it isn't apparent.  I wish I could find more things in my size in store, rather than having to order to get the smaller sizes.

Prom 2017

I can't believe it, but I find myself seeing another child (this time the baby boy) off to the prom.  This one was unexpected as he is only a Freshman...but that whole social structure of High School these days is different than "back in the day."  It does make me think of Proms when I was in High School and how much fun we had. It makes me miss friends that have passed and those I haven't see in years and the carefree (although when you are the teenager it doesn't feel like that) world we lived in.  Why, oh why, does growing up come so fast?  And mostly, why couldn't we just enjoy every special, simple moment rather than always trying to push harder and faster to being "older." 

 Adulting is a racket!  

He was heading out to get his pretty little date! 

 How can he be this old?

They went as a group with some life long friends. 

 I know it will be a fun night to remember!

 

I hope they have a blast. 

 The evening started with dinner and is supposed to end with

 bowling so I really hope this is just the first of many

great High School Memories for my sweet young man.

How 5 years can change the world...

Today is a day when I need to write, need to spill words out somewhere. Emotions are thick and my mind swirls with thoughts, memories, dreams and questions.  Today is a day that brings me haunting memories and also great blessings. 

5 years ago, I almost lost one of my children.  I don't mean there was a close call, I mean I saw the life leaving his body as he lay on the ground among wet, cold, muddy leaves.  I still can remember what his blue face looked like and  the awful gurgling that came from his lungs as his life slipped away.  They say time heals all things...no, it doesn't. These are the haunting memories.

I know that God reached down and breathed life into my dying child that cold, rainy day.  There is no other explanation. Today, that same child, went alone for hours exploring with our dog.  Tonight he went to the movies with his big brother.  Just a moment ago he towered almost 9 full inches over me as he reach down to hug me and tell me he loved me and good night. He is now upstairs reading something way over my head.  Those are the great blessings. 

I stood at the sea shore today, something I promise myself I will do more of each year and I don't. I needed to go today to seek the magical healing of the waves and the salt air.  I am not sure if I found that healing but I did find my heart feeling more than I would have liked and my reserves pushed. I was looking for something...it wasn't there.  I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I head into 2017 in many ways the same as last year, though my thoughts and feelings are clearer.  The last few days of 2016 will be spent recalibrating myself and my heart and fortifying my foundation.

Today reminded me to hold onto what is true and solid, focusing on God's great gifts. I have learned that life is not kind but still there is so much to be thankful for and I am living thankfully...in all circumstances. If you find yourself walking the seashore you may very well find me there again staring out and seeking before the year truly ends. Hold on....

Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

Psalm 25:5 (NIV)

To Kill a Mockingbird comes to life close to home...

I love the book, To Kill a Mockingbird, so much so I haven't yet gotten the courage to read the sequel as I don't want it to hurt the illusions I have of the noble characters I found in the original.  Maybe it sounds silly but I get attached to the characters and the escape they provide.  So, you can imagine my excitement when my youngest son landed the part of Jem in "To Kill a Mockingbird" in the Florence Little Theater's recent production.  The show ran for over a week and was sold out each night which I think was telling to what a GREAT production it was.  The entire cast brought Harper Lee's Characters to life in great detail, making you love some and hate others.  The issues of race and injustice were handled in a no nonsense matter and I hope everyone who saw it came out changed just a little as I did when I first read the book.

The entire cast was just fantastic and it was a joy to see them bring this

 important piece of Southern Fiction to life!

 It took many months of preparation and countless hours to bring this play to the stage but I was really proud of how my son kept up with school, debate, tried out and made the basketball team all the while spending late nights rehearsing almost daily at the theater.  Yes...I am biased, but he did GREAT!

 My handsome "Jem" spending time after the play every night sharing and talking the with audience.

15....

Today is a special day, not just because of Labor Day, but because it is my DS2's 15th birthday!  I should probably say Birthday Weekend, because we have been celebrating all weekend long!  Even the birthday boy was a little worn out today....so much so he hasn't wanted to cut into his Birthday "Pie" (yes, he wanted pie rather than cake!)

 

 

Most of the time I look at this young man and I am amazed at his maturity and his heart.  Just today, when we were in a store, he approached a World War II Veteran (all on his own,) and shook his hand and thanked him for his service.  DS2 then stood there and gave just a small gift of his time and listened to how that honorable man was only 1 of 2 from his unit to return.  For that small gift of his time, my son came away with something so very valuable... and he recognized it for the jewel it was...which is why I feel so proud of him in so many ways.

DS2 is a very funny kid as well and loves life and people more than I fully understand.  He has a soft heart and strong sense of right and wrong.  He loves politics and all kinds of things most kids his age don't even bat an eye at.  I think he is most at home in our church and I hope that God continues to lead him and watch over him.

The hardest part about these kinds of birthdays is they mark milestones and he plans to get his driving permit (learners) this week.  Where, oh where, has the time gone? Although I have had the honor of teaching him to drive and we are still working on it, I can't believe the time is here. 

My baby boy...he is the last in the nest and I am so blessed by him.  Thank you, God.

 

1 Samuel 1:27-28 ESV    

For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there.

No Phone Saturday...

Guess what?  Today I didn't use my cell phone.  I didn't call or text anyone.  I didn't use it to take a photo, or check the weather.  I didn't scroll through emails with it.  I actually left it in my bag all day.  I will look at it tomorrow.  I should also note that I didn't look at either of my phones because, yes, I have more than one due to work.  Neither of them came out to play today because I just didn't feel like I wanted to connect with anyone in that way. 

I wanted to see today, all of it and not through the lens of a phone.  I wanted to talk to people face to face, not through a text or hurried phone conversation.  I wanted to look directly at who ever I  talking to and not bother to look down to check for a text message or other notification.  I wanted to be present in the moment.  It was nice to not dig through my bag or once say "where is my phone?"  Surprisingly, I didn't miss it.  Maybe it was just another step in my drawing my world smaller...part of the culling? 

This afternoon my youngest son and I were walking through a park and walked by the amphitheater area and both of us noticed the strangest thing...there were lots of people sitting there in the shade of the hot afternoon but it was eerily silent...everyone was literally looking at their phones.  I think it says something about how far this phenomenon has gone when a 14 year old notices it and says something about how sad it was.  He also spent several hours last night with friends and none of them used their phones and he came home excited about what great conversations they had.  Wow...telling, isn't it? 

I am going to make some phone changes because real life truly is better and people deserve your presence and not just virtually. I want to hear your voice and your laughter but lets do it face to face whenever possible.

I blew it today....again.

photo credit unknown

I blew it today...Again.  I blew it as a Mom.  I failed to bridge a connection and scale a wall that I can't see or don't even know where it starts. I failed to teach respect or honor.  It weighs heavily on me, always.  I think all Mothers feel that when they aren't connecting with their children, no matter how old that child might be.  There is a saying, that you are only as happy as your most unhappy child, and I know for me that has always held true.  I want to be a good Mom and I think being a single Mom, I multiply that pressure  tenfold.  The reality is, I stink at being a Dad, so when I fail at being a good Mom I beat myself up doubly.  Of course, everyone will say don't do that...I just haven't quite figured out how not to yet. 

I am trying so hard to be the Mom I should be, it is literally the top priority in my life as my calling from God. My relationship with my children is only second to my relationship with God.  It is very discouraging when I drop the ball and watch it roll down an endless hill, with little hope of recovery.  I say things I shouldn't, I don't say things I should.  More than anything I want to be a pathway to Christ for my children and when I mess up, like today, I know I am so far off the mark it isn't funny.  Rather than lighting a path...I am building a roadblock.

My greatest earthly blessings are my children.  I know that there is nothing that they will ever do that will stop my love for them.  My greatest desire is for them to grow into Godly men and a Godly woman...much more than I ever have been.  I want them to avoid the pains I have walked through because I wasn't walking with God or putting Him first but sometimes words aren't enough.  I am grateful that God forgives, unfortunately, humans (even our children) aren't so quick to do so no matter how many times we ask.  We are the closest things to God our children often see, they see our failures and humanness and assign it to what they think God is.  That is why it hurts so badly when I fail one of them, because I know I may very well be pushing them further from their Heavenly Father.

So, I get up from my epic fall, wipe off my knees, and hopefully, I will get another day to try again.

The Beach was Calling...

All week I have heard my name being whispered on the hot breezes blowing through the trees.  Today, I could ignore it no more.  I packed the cooler and beach chairs and my youngest and I headed to sand and the surf.  It has actually been a long time since we have been to this particular beach, as it held memories that I wasn't sure either of us would enjoy revisiting but all we found was freedom.  It was wonderful. 

We played in the waves and I only nearly drowned once (but managed to save my sunglasses from doom!) We ate Peanut Butter M&Ms and Sour Patch kids and we sat, sunned and watched the tide roll in with our feet in the water.  It was a good day...a very good day.  It was a day for counting blessings and smiling at the memories we made.  I am very blessed!

3 years later

I meant to blog about this yesterday, which was the anniversary of the day, 3 years ago, that my life and that of my family changed but the day got away from me.  But I can't let it go by with praising God. You see, I almost lost this little man on that day 3 years ago.  You can go back and read the story (in 3 posts) here: 2011 Ending in Prayer, (Part 1).  If you have ever seen life leaving the body of your child you will understand the deep and heart wrenching change it can have on you. You can never truly forget. You can never fully be the same.  That day, though...I saw a miracle that only God could perform.  Also, that day started a journey towards a word I knew very little about....Epilepsy.  But, as yesterday dawned I was awe struck by the blessing that I saw when my strong, healthy and seizure free young man wrapped his arms around me.

I should also mention something about our Christmas celebration.  It was fun, fully of family and friends and lots of laughter (laughter being the best medicine!) and way too much food.   I was so glad to have my sweet family gathered around me. I am very grateful for each and everyone of the them and what they bring to our family...even the fuzzy ones!.

Here's to a blessed and joyful New Year!

Happy 4th of July, 2014

I can't believe I am actually sitting here on the 4th blogging about the day already, but my kiddos are both napping from the fun we have had already.  I am not even sure we will make it out to see the fireworks because they are so pooped!

 Me and my baby girl!

 There were races (that is my sweet baby boy on the very right!)

 And, of course, diving for dollars saps one's energy!

 And most of all aggressive water volley ball will really take it out of you!

So, I am hoping for a second wind so we can catch the fireworks later and finish up this really wonderful celebration!  I hope you had a wonderful day filled with friends, family and fun.

This Kid...

I have some pretty great kids....like better than other people (yes, I just said better than other people...but I believe it...yep, I do.)  They each have their strengths and each has their unique talents and over the last few months they have all shown what amazing individuals they are but I just have to write about this kid today.  Now, don't get me wrong...I have, at one time or another, written about my other children but tonight he is on my heart.  He is my baby, though by the looks of this photo, baby probably isn't the right word but I can blame it on the fact that his Mom isn't very tall so he looks really tall...right?

This kid has really been through the ringer the last few months, well, actually the last few years (check back here to read his back story) 
but he has really shown me what insight and what heart is, in a way I could have never expected from a child.  He has clarity about things that I, as an adult, can't wrap my brain around.  He has a heart that hurts for others in a way that I can only hope to have one day.  He also feels burdens that other kids (or adults for that matter) don't feel, which isn't always good.  He is struggling right now with a loss in his life that I can't fix for him but he still finds the ability to worry about me.  About me.... how did I get so blessed?  All my children worry about me, but this one...he watches and worries and I wish I could take that away.  He is too young for that kind of weight. 

I was sick recently and this kid gets up and fixes breakfast for he and his older brother before school, without being asked, because I couldn't.  He just did it...including vitamins.  He is just that kind of a kid.  I am grasping at straws in so many ways in trying to figure out how to parent my young men on my own but moments like this...they are like a jolt to my soul.   Someone told me today that I had to be and could be both Mother & Father....and here I am with my little man leading the way.   So, as I look ahead, I hope one day he will know exactly what an amazing young man he is.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, 

coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

~James 1:17

Blessed and Seizure Free

New Years 2014

Yesterday marked a very special milestone.  My DS2, who many of you have prayed over and followed his story, hit the 2 year Seizure free mark.  I can't tell you how far in the future that seemed at one point.  There was so much fear that we would not see it...but yesterday was the day!

DS2 has really gone through a lot in the last two years, especially since we chose to go a somewhat non-traditional treatment route by going on the Modified Atkins Diet (version of the Ketogenic Diet.)  It is hard to be a kid on a very restrictive diet.  There are so many events that are food focused, particularly high carb food focused!  I am so proud of him and how well he has handled it all.  We have just weaned off the diet and so far, so good.

As Micheal in A Sound of Music, A Salute to the Tony Awards, The Center Players, NC

One really cool thing that came out of the last couple of years is my sweet boy discovered he had quite a talent for the stage.  It has been such a great experience for him as he has had to make adjustments in his life. He found an escape from much worry and stress through performing. I am so proud of him.

Temps & Tops, Salute to the Tony Awards, The Center Players, Elizabeth City, NC

As Sebastian in The Mermaid, Impact Children's Theatre, Florence, SC

I feel so blessed!

If you are not familiar with my DS2's story and you want to know more, catch up HERE.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever.

~Psalm 136:1

Settling in...

The month of July has flown by!!!  I have been busy unpacking (still not finished) and doing all the stuff you do when trying to settle in a new house and town. 

As much as I was apprehensive about our move to Edenton, NC, it has been really nice.  I am stunned daily by how beautiful it is here and quiet...and peaceful.  Yes, I do miss the convenience of things being "right down the street" but I can see how people fall in love with this little town.  I am looking forward to finally getting unpacked and settling in a rocking chair on my front porch with a glass of iced tea and a good book!

Though there are lots of "to dos" on my list we have still managed to explore the local movie theater (which is on main street, downtown, and only has 2 screens but you can still write a check there!) We have also gone to several college summer league baseball games, eaten at some really good restaurants and spent time on the water. DH and I also managed one impromptu date night with a picnic on the bay.  My youngest has been learning to sail and I think he is pretty hooked.  My oldest son can usually be found at the golf course and both boys seem to be meeting and making friends which is an answer to lots of prayer! 

So, all in all our move is working out well.  I can't tell you how nice it is to have my DH with us full time and to have time to do things together as a family again! 

This is a view from our date night picnic.

DS2 heading out for sailing lessons.

Update on the Little Man

Some of you have sent me messages asking about how my DS2 is doing.  He is doing really great!  Today we spent the afternoon at MUSC to get the results of his recent sleep study and extended EEG montage.  This comes after a visit and EEG in April that didn’t bring the news we had hoped for.   Unfortunately, his April EEG still showed abnormal activity and the risk of seizures has kept us on the diet.  After his initial disappointment he has managed to have a pretty good attitude about the limitations it continues to place on his life.  He does so much better than I would.  He has will power of steel!  

Fortunately, today the results did not show any abnormal sleep patterns and NO sign of seizure activity during sleep.  WhooHOOO!  It was such huge relief to find out there are no additional issues; and at this point we don’t have to add medications on top of the diet. 

DS2 just finished 5^th grade with wonderful grades and a Presidential fitness award. He also recently played the part of Sebastian in a local Children’s Theatre Production of A Little Mermaid. He is busy this week at a musical theatre day camp and will be spending his summer learning to sail once we get moved.  We are blessed and I am so proud of this little man and how hard he works to not allow his medical issues to hold him back. 

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. 
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. 
Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! 
He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. 
~Psalm 127:3-5