The Bittersweet Days

The last few months, crazy as they may have been, created some wonderful lifetime memories.  But, if I am being honest, one date on the calendar had been etched into my mind since well before 2020 began; that date was College Move In Day for my youngest son.  As much as the world provided lots of distractions the date kept creeping up on me.  We waited patiently to make sure the college would even open on schedule...when it was announced it would...we slowly began to prepare for his departure.

What I have to note, is when we took my daughter to college, I cried everyday for at least a week...and I had still had two boys at home.  Now, I was moving my youngest several hours away and my nest would be empty.  Not to mention, this  young man and I have walked through most of his life alone.  I was a single parent for most of what he remembers and he and I only had each other day to day. We are close. He is a blessing beyond measure.   

To say his move in day was hard would be an understatement of the greatest sort.  I was thrilled for him as I knew he was going to "his place" and felt confident his choice in of colleges but I kept thinking, as the Dad in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" says "Why you want to leave me???"  Yes, there were tears, but mostly left for the drive away.  

Happy Birthday, baby boy...

 

How can I remember this day, buying this outfit and that sweet, soft blue blanket like it was yesterday? Maybe because the years seem to fly by faster and faster and I feel the shadow of adulthood all around?  This was my youngest son's 1 year photo.  We lived in New York at the time and I had a beast of a time finding anything semi-dressy.  My Southern Self was looking for something with smocking and preferably puffy pants but that was no where to be found in the New York where I was.  My youngest always loved to rub your ear (or his if no one was available)...if you sat next to him on the sofa or rocked him at night he would gently reach up and rub your ear lobe.  It was his connection and comfort.  I can remember seeing he and his older brother on the sofa watching TV and my youngest would be absent mindedly rubbing his brother's ear.  It was sweet, innocent and a way that I am sure bonded them together.  Today my baby boy turns 16 (at 9:09 PM to be exact) and he is at rehearsals for Beauty and the Beast, being produced by a local theater company. Before that he rushed home to get his new basketball and basketball shoes and was off to the Y before heading to rehearsals.  He is my renaissance man. I am excited to see the young man he is becoming.



But, I look at this face and I wonder...where did the time go?  Where did my little man go?  In his place stands an almost 6 foot tall amazement.  Today is bittersweet.  I am so thankful and happy for all he has done and is becoming but I miss that sweet baby in my arms.

 

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.
1 Samuel 1:27 (NIV)

 



Mama Drama: where did the time go?

I just got back from finalizing all the details for my baby boy's 10th grade year of school and we will be at Open House tonight, ahead of the first day of school tomorrow.  From the time I woke up today I was filled with melancholy and nostalgia for those days when I had three to get ready for school and the little things we used to do to celebrate the arrival of a new school year. 

This year is so different.  My daughter is now a year+ into her marriage and living several hours away, my oldest son has started a new college several hours away and living on his own, and my youngest son is going to get in his own car tomorrow and drive to school by himself.

 Gone are the days of everyone having breakfast together, prayers on the way to school, first-day-of-school after school celebrations, and the sound of their voices sharing all the details of that first day. No more days of excitement over new school supplies, backpacks and lunchboxes. Life has been transitioning to this for years, but I think the realization that I only have my youngest for 36 more months really is hitting me hard now that my two oldest are out and on their own.  I am missing the days that felt simpler and full of  fun.  I miss field trips and class parties and even them getting excited about picture day.  Now, I am lucky if I know when picture day is!  I miss the anticipation of report cards and the arrival of yearbooks. I miss picking them up from cheerleading, football, baseball or basketball practice and all the games that went with it.  I even miss those forced back pack clean outs that often found moldy snacks long forgotten.

I am not sure why the nostalgia has hit so hard today.  Across the state my older son is having his first day of school and my younger one will have his tomorrow.  Maybe it is because my daughter was home this past weekend and it was good to see and hear lots of voices in the house and my Mother was here to visit last week?  I loved life when I had a full house and being Mommy.  It is the greatest gift I have ever received.  Seasons change and growth happens and, even though I miss my babies, I am proud of who they are and are becoming.  I have been blessed.

Happy New School Year!!!

Leaving her...

I have gone silent again on this blog, which I have come to realize means one of two things: either I am crazy busy with life in general or I am feeling a bit emotionally raw.  The last couple of weeks I have had both of those covered in full.  Two weeks ago we loaded up a U haul to the gills and moved our daughter to the Atlanta area.  I should say back to the Atlanta area because it is where we lived before moving here right after she graduated high school.  She is now a college graduate and has started her first real job.  I am so proud of her and her choices and admire her courage in taking on the world.  She is working in a job she feels passionate about and seems custom made for her...as if her whole life has prepared her for such a time as this.  She has her own apartment which she has decorated and it looks like something out of a magazine (and did it all on a very tight budget!)  She is looking for a little fuzzy room-mate now to keep her company and things are good for her....really good.   

But leaving her there, even knowing she was safe and happy, was one of the very hardest things I have ever had to do.  When our move is complete, week after next, we will be 8 hours away from her and that kills me.  I know others have children scattered throughout the world and 8 hours seems like nothing so I probably shouldn't complain....but it was like leaving the best part of me when I drove away.  She and I are like 2 sides of the same coin and I feel just a bit lost without her.  

It was hard when we left her at college the first time but I knew she would be home in a week or two...but this time I don't know when I will see her next.  I know she is too far for me to hop in the car and meet her halfway for lunch, or make a hasty trip when something unexpected happens, or to share in the little things that happen day to day.  I know she is surrounded by people who care about her and will take good care of her if she needs anything....but I am not there...and it hurts.  I am not sure who it hurts more...me or her.  

Of course, we still talk for long periods of the day on the phone and text continually but knowing there are going to be 2 states between us just fills me with anxiety.  We still keep the cell lines popping with photos of things we see during the day and I am learning to reuse the United States Postal Service as well...but....

Boys...

Rearing boys is hard.  I mean they are these wonderful little creatures that are so filled with emotions (both good and bad) that sometimes they just seem to just burst with something so powerful that it can be overwhelming for them and those of us who love them.  When a little (or big) boy loves he can love with such intensity that it can hurt just watching him express it and when a little boy is angry that intensity can be the same.  

I have reared a girl, so I know girls can be hard as well…but these boys keep me bewildered most of the time.  I am parenting by myself a lot as my husband travels, so I am really having to stretch and try to see what I need to teach and where I need to push without crushing their spirits.  I know God created these young men in a very unique way to fulfill His plans…I just have to try to make sure that I build up the foundation that will help them in what God has planned for them…and that can be hard.  My idea of how things should be is distinctly feminine so I have to try to see it from the male side of the room. 
 

Boys can be rough, they can be rowdy and bawdy but they can also be soft, sweet, and so protective.  They live in a world that bombards them with conflicting messages about what manhood should be.  All at once they get messages that they should be tough and fearless and then the next thing they are inundated with the message that they must be sensitive and intuitive.  It is hard to be a boy today.  Even as a parent I find myself often sending mixed messages about being brave and bold but not too brave and not too bold.  So many settings that are designed for children aren’t designed for the energy, creativity and unique perspective of boys.  

Nothing must be more torturous that to take a 6 year old boy and tell him to sit quietly for hours on end.  But, I have done it.  I have expected my boys to tolerate situations with quiet manners that I am not sure my husband could even tolerate.  I have pushed them when I should have just let them find their own way.  I am sure I have embarrassed them more than once and I am sure I will again with my “Momminess.” 

But they say, nothing worth doing is easy…and rearing boys is not easy but so very worth it

Happy 16, Baby Boy!

How did it happen?   

When did I close my eyes and a handsome young man took the place of my baby boy?

I can't believe that 16 years have flown by in the blink of an eye.  I feel I have missed so much and you are now wanting to fly...all I want to do is slow time down so I can keep you close.  I want to protect you from heart break and keep you safe.  I want life to bring you only blessings and joy.  I pray for you daily, that you will walk with God  and seek His will above all others.

When I look up to the baby boy that now towers over me in the body of a young man, I am stunned that we are 16 years down the path.  I was surprised when he came into this world ahead of schedule and he has continued to surprise me in so many ways, with the the depth of his intelligence, talents, kindness.  He surprises me daily with a sense of humor I could have never even fathomed out of anyone.  A recent surprise is how protective he has become of me and his siblings as he grows from boy to man.  He is a wonderful, caring and responsible young man and I am so blessed to share in his life.

 Happy 16th Birthday, my sweet baby boy.

But he said, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!”
Luke 11:28

30 Days of Thanksgiving: Day 10

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 10, 2012:  Today I am thankful for my sweet daughter.  She has grown into a lovely young lady, both inside and out.  She has shown me so much and my heart has grown because she is in my life.  I am proud of what a successful and hard working woman is.   In giving me a daughter, God blessed me with not just a child but a friend for life.

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.

Psalm 127:3 (NIV)

 

The Unexpected Lesson from an EEG

This weekend finds us still on the search for answers to what is behind the seizures that DS2 has been having (to back track on this story begin here) and he is under going a 72 hour ambulatory EEG this weekend.  We went to Charleston yesterday to get it set up and attached (yes, he has to wear it until Monday afternoon...even during sleep but fortunately he doesn't have to stay in the hospital.)  He is a real trooper and hasn't complained which makes me so proud of him and his sweet spirit.

On the way home from Charleston, we stopped for some lunch. Remember, he was attached to the EEG.   It looks quite intimidating, as he has wires coming out from under his head wrap and attached to a little pack that he has strapped on.  Of course, in the restaurant it got noticed.  Not that anyone was overt but you knew they were noticing and no one was more aware of that than DS2.  By the time our food arrived I could tell his mood had become very reflective and serious.  He looked over at me with such seriousness in his beautiful green eyes and told me, "You know how when we see someone who is different, or we talk about someone who is different? Well, it changes a whole lot when you are the one who is different."  We went on to talk about how people who are dealing with illnesses, or just any physical differences must feel.  His heart opened in a way that I don't think I could have ever imagined just by his small experience of being "different."  He has always been a compasionate soul, but I could tell that his view into what others who are different must feel, was heart stretching.  He learned a lesson that no words I could have shared could ever have taught.  He saw that no matter the differences we truly are all God's creations.  My heart just melted as I listened to my 10 year old grow and mature before my very eyes. He poured out his heart concern and love for others, and I don't think I have ever been so touched and proud of him.

Who knew that an EEG could teach so much?

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for

righteousness, for they shall be filled.

~Matthew 5:6