The Bittersweet Days

The last few months, crazy as they may have been, created some wonderful lifetime memories.  But, if I am being honest, one date on the calendar had been etched into my mind since well before 2020 began; that date was College Move In Day for my youngest son.  As much as the world provided lots of distractions the date kept creeping up on me.  We waited patiently to make sure the college would even open on schedule...when it was announced it would...we slowly began to prepare for his departure.

What I have to note, is when we took my daughter to college, I cried everyday for at least a week...and I had still had two boys at home.  Now, I was moving my youngest several hours away and my nest would be empty.  Not to mention, this  young man and I have walked through most of his life alone.  I was a single parent for most of what he remembers and he and I only had each other day to day. We are close. He is a blessing beyond measure.   

To say his move in day was hard would be an understatement of the greatest sort.  I was thrilled for him as I knew he was going to "his place" and felt confident his choice in of colleges but I kept thinking, as the Dad in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" says "Why you want to leave me???"  Yes, there were tears, but mostly left for the drive away.  

Happy Birthday, baby boy...

 

How can I remember this day, buying this outfit and that sweet, soft blue blanket like it was yesterday? Maybe because the years seem to fly by faster and faster and I feel the shadow of adulthood all around?  This was my youngest son's 1 year photo.  We lived in New York at the time and I had a beast of a time finding anything semi-dressy.  My Southern Self was looking for something with smocking and preferably puffy pants but that was no where to be found in the New York where I was.  My youngest always loved to rub your ear (or his if no one was available)...if you sat next to him on the sofa or rocked him at night he would gently reach up and rub your ear lobe.  It was his connection and comfort.  I can remember seeing he and his older brother on the sofa watching TV and my youngest would be absent mindedly rubbing his brother's ear.  It was sweet, innocent and a way that I am sure bonded them together.  Today my baby boy turns 16 (at 9:09 PM to be exact) and he is at rehearsals for Beauty and the Beast, being produced by a local theater company. Before that he rushed home to get his new basketball and basketball shoes and was off to the Y before heading to rehearsals.  He is my renaissance man. I am excited to see the young man he is becoming.



But, I look at this face and I wonder...where did the time go?  Where did my little man go?  In his place stands an almost 6 foot tall amazement.  Today is bittersweet.  I am so thankful and happy for all he has done and is becoming but I miss that sweet baby in my arms.

 

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.
1 Samuel 1:27 (NIV)

 



Mama Drama: where did the time go?

I just got back from finalizing all the details for my baby boy's 10th grade year of school and we will be at Open House tonight, ahead of the first day of school tomorrow.  From the time I woke up today I was filled with melancholy and nostalgia for those days when I had three to get ready for school and the little things we used to do to celebrate the arrival of a new school year. 

This year is so different.  My daughter is now a year+ into her marriage and living several hours away, my oldest son has started a new college several hours away and living on his own, and my youngest son is going to get in his own car tomorrow and drive to school by himself.

 Gone are the days of everyone having breakfast together, prayers on the way to school, first-day-of-school after school celebrations, and the sound of their voices sharing all the details of that first day. No more days of excitement over new school supplies, backpacks and lunchboxes. Life has been transitioning to this for years, but I think the realization that I only have my youngest for 36 more months really is hitting me hard now that my two oldest are out and on their own.  I am missing the days that felt simpler and full of  fun.  I miss field trips and class parties and even them getting excited about picture day.  Now, I am lucky if I know when picture day is!  I miss the anticipation of report cards and the arrival of yearbooks. I miss picking them up from cheerleading, football, baseball or basketball practice and all the games that went with it.  I even miss those forced back pack clean outs that often found moldy snacks long forgotten.

I am not sure why the nostalgia has hit so hard today.  Across the state my older son is having his first day of school and my younger one will have his tomorrow.  Maybe it is because my daughter was home this past weekend and it was good to see and hear lots of voices in the house and my Mother was here to visit last week?  I loved life when I had a full house and being Mommy.  It is the greatest gift I have ever received.  Seasons change and growth happens and, even though I miss my babies, I am proud of who they are and are becoming.  I have been blessed.

Happy New School Year!!!

I blew it today....again.

photo credit unknown

I blew it today...Again.  I blew it as a Mom.  I failed to bridge a connection and scale a wall that I can't see or don't even know where it starts. I failed to teach respect or honor.  It weighs heavily on me, always.  I think all Mothers feel that when they aren't connecting with their children, no matter how old that child might be.  There is a saying, that you are only as happy as your most unhappy child, and I know for me that has always held true.  I want to be a good Mom and I think being a single Mom, I multiply that pressure  tenfold.  The reality is, I stink at being a Dad, so when I fail at being a good Mom I beat myself up doubly.  Of course, everyone will say don't do that...I just haven't quite figured out how not to yet. 

I am trying so hard to be the Mom I should be, it is literally the top priority in my life as my calling from God. My relationship with my children is only second to my relationship with God.  It is very discouraging when I drop the ball and watch it roll down an endless hill, with little hope of recovery.  I say things I shouldn't, I don't say things I should.  More than anything I want to be a pathway to Christ for my children and when I mess up, like today, I know I am so far off the mark it isn't funny.  Rather than lighting a path...I am building a roadblock.

My greatest earthly blessings are my children.  I know that there is nothing that they will ever do that will stop my love for them.  My greatest desire is for them to grow into Godly men and a Godly woman...much more than I ever have been.  I want them to avoid the pains I have walked through because I wasn't walking with God or putting Him first but sometimes words aren't enough.  I am grateful that God forgives, unfortunately, humans (even our children) aren't so quick to do so no matter how many times we ask.  We are the closest things to God our children often see, they see our failures and humanness and assign it to what they think God is.  That is why it hurts so badly when I fail one of them, because I know I may very well be pushing them further from their Heavenly Father.

So, I get up from my epic fall, wipe off my knees, and hopefully, I will get another day to try again.

This Kid...

I have some pretty great kids....like better than other people (yes, I just said better than other people...but I believe it...yep, I do.)  They each have their strengths and each has their unique talents and over the last few months they have all shown what amazing individuals they are but I just have to write about this kid today.  Now, don't get me wrong...I have, at one time or another, written about my other children but tonight he is on my heart.  He is my baby, though by the looks of this photo, baby probably isn't the right word but I can blame it on the fact that his Mom isn't very tall so he looks really tall...right?

This kid has really been through the ringer the last few months, well, actually the last few years (check back here to read his back story) 
but he has really shown me what insight and what heart is, in a way I could have never expected from a child.  He has clarity about things that I, as an adult, can't wrap my brain around.  He has a heart that hurts for others in a way that I can only hope to have one day.  He also feels burdens that other kids (or adults for that matter) don't feel, which isn't always good.  He is struggling right now with a loss in his life that I can't fix for him but he still finds the ability to worry about me.  About me.... how did I get so blessed?  All my children worry about me, but this one...he watches and worries and I wish I could take that away.  He is too young for that kind of weight. 

I was sick recently and this kid gets up and fixes breakfast for he and his older brother before school, without being asked, because I couldn't.  He just did it...including vitamins.  He is just that kind of a kid.  I am grasping at straws in so many ways in trying to figure out how to parent my young men on my own but moments like this...they are like a jolt to my soul.   Someone told me today that I had to be and could be both Mother & Father....and here I am with my little man leading the way.   So, as I look ahead, I hope one day he will know exactly what an amazing young man he is.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, 

coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

~James 1:17

Worn thin...

Today was a day I have looked forward to...the first day of Spring.  It arrived with a beautiful face and promises of bright days ahead.  But, tonight, my heart is feeling worn thin and I am so very tired that my body hurts and tears are flowing freely.  All of my children are in pain and they truly need more than I have to give and it is killing me. 

The enemy is attacking and I hear his whispers, "You can't fight, you won't win...not tonight...it is too hard...you are too tired...you are too alone, you aren't enough, you never have been.  If you were a good Mom you wouldn't be doing this alone..I will bring them down one by one.  It is a lost cause.."  He is cornering me.  He is shouting rather than whispering... and I am stumbling.

I just want something to be easy....just something.  I want my children to be safe and out of this battle.  I don't want to fight for just a little while, I want someone to fight for me.. I want to lay down and be held and my hair rubbed and someone to tell me it will be OK.  Tonight...it hurts. 

Then Jesus said, 

"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens,

 and I will give you rest".

~Matthew 11:28

Make me empty...so I can be filled...

Where do I even start?  There are so many words jumbled in my mind and heart I can't seem to make heads or tails of them.  This week has been one of the most challenging of my life.  I have been forced to make decisions I never wanted to make and I had to step out in faith...in faith alone.  I have had to watch my children's hearts break anew. I have dried more tears than I ever hoped to see in a lifetime, especially from my children.  I have had my moments of just wanting to crawl into a hole and never come out.  It has been hard.  It just seems too hard, it hurts too much, I am so tired of failing. 

But through the hard....I truly haven't been alone.  God is faithful and He has been here and He is providing and blessing me more than I deserve.  Even when my heart doesn't feel it, I know it.  My heart is fallible but My Jesus is not.  I have cried tears of my own this week...some from the over flowing blessings and some from over flowing pain and I keep singing this song and praying for peace.

)

Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me--now let me rejoice.

~Psalm 51:8

Leaving her...

I have gone silent again on this blog, which I have come to realize means one of two things: either I am crazy busy with life in general or I am feeling a bit emotionally raw.  The last couple of weeks I have had both of those covered in full.  Two weeks ago we loaded up a U haul to the gills and moved our daughter to the Atlanta area.  I should say back to the Atlanta area because it is where we lived before moving here right after she graduated high school.  She is now a college graduate and has started her first real job.  I am so proud of her and her choices and admire her courage in taking on the world.  She is working in a job she feels passionate about and seems custom made for her...as if her whole life has prepared her for such a time as this.  She has her own apartment which she has decorated and it looks like something out of a magazine (and did it all on a very tight budget!)  She is looking for a little fuzzy room-mate now to keep her company and things are good for her....really good.   

But leaving her there, even knowing she was safe and happy, was one of the very hardest things I have ever had to do.  When our move is complete, week after next, we will be 8 hours away from her and that kills me.  I know others have children scattered throughout the world and 8 hours seems like nothing so I probably shouldn't complain....but it was like leaving the best part of me when I drove away.  She and I are like 2 sides of the same coin and I feel just a bit lost without her.  

It was hard when we left her at college the first time but I knew she would be home in a week or two...but this time I don't know when I will see her next.  I know she is too far for me to hop in the car and meet her halfway for lunch, or make a hasty trip when something unexpected happens, or to share in the little things that happen day to day.  I know she is surrounded by people who care about her and will take good care of her if she needs anything....but I am not there...and it hurts.  I am not sure who it hurts more...me or her.  

Of course, we still talk for long periods of the day on the phone and text continually but knowing there are going to be 2 states between us just fills me with anxiety.  We still keep the cell lines popping with photos of things we see during the day and I am learning to reuse the United States Postal Service as well...but....

Friday? YES!!!

YES, IT IS!!!!  Can I get a WHOOT?  Since my husband is out of town during the week, I tend to feel like I am living for Friday these days, this week especially!  We were invaded by the sick bug and my boys were both out of school most of the week with a really bad case of Strep.  Normally Strep has been a pretty minor thing for them to bounce back from, but this strain just knocked the wind out of them.  So, needless to say (but I will anyway), it has been a long week.  It hasn't been all bad, though.  I actually kind of like them being home and us not having to run around so much.  The up side, as well, is that they were both sick this week as opposed to one being sick this week and the other being sick next week.  We did lots of jammy wearing, napping and movie watching so overall it wasn't too bad.

I hope you all have a GREAT weekend!!!!!

Boys...

Rearing boys is hard.  I mean they are these wonderful little creatures that are so filled with emotions (both good and bad) that sometimes they just seem to just burst with something so powerful that it can be overwhelming for them and those of us who love them.  When a little (or big) boy loves he can love with such intensity that it can hurt just watching him express it and when a little boy is angry that intensity can be the same.  

I have reared a girl, so I know girls can be hard as well…but these boys keep me bewildered most of the time.  I am parenting by myself a lot as my husband travels, so I am really having to stretch and try to see what I need to teach and where I need to push without crushing their spirits.  I know God created these young men in a very unique way to fulfill His plans…I just have to try to make sure that I build up the foundation that will help them in what God has planned for them…and that can be hard.  My idea of how things should be is distinctly feminine so I have to try to see it from the male side of the room. 
 

Boys can be rough, they can be rowdy and bawdy but they can also be soft, sweet, and so protective.  They live in a world that bombards them with conflicting messages about what manhood should be.  All at once they get messages that they should be tough and fearless and then the next thing they are inundated with the message that they must be sensitive and intuitive.  It is hard to be a boy today.  Even as a parent I find myself often sending mixed messages about being brave and bold but not too brave and not too bold.  So many settings that are designed for children aren’t designed for the energy, creativity and unique perspective of boys.  

Nothing must be more torturous that to take a 6 year old boy and tell him to sit quietly for hours on end.  But, I have done it.  I have expected my boys to tolerate situations with quiet manners that I am not sure my husband could even tolerate.  I have pushed them when I should have just let them find their own way.  I am sure I have embarrassed them more than once and I am sure I will again with my “Momminess.” 

But they say, nothing worth doing is easy…and rearing boys is not easy but so very worth it

1 Year...

Today marks our 1 year seizure free mark.  Although it isn't the much looked forward to 2 year mark...it is a good day.  Last year at this time, I was in an emergency room with DS2 after he had experienced another, (albeit different type),  seizure and we were waiting to see a pediatric neurologist.  Today he is spending the afternoon on the golf course with his Dad and big brother.God is good.

It has been an interesting year, as I have learned more than I ever wanted to know about brains and seizures.  The word epilepsy has become a regular part of my vocabulary. We chose to forgo medications and try the Modified Atkins Diet (a more moderate approach to the Ketogenic Diet) to treat the seizures.  Seemingly we have been rewarded and my son is doing well.

This year has changed me in ways I couldn't have imagined.  I suppose it has changed our whole family.  Some of those changes have been been good, some not so good. I still have a huge amount of anxiety over even the smallest of details but I am slowly getting better.  DS2 is pretty patient with me and my "mama drama" and my other children seem to (for the most part) understand why I am so concerned.  I continue to struggle to balance the overprotective instinct with DS2's need to grow and handle things on his own.   It is a new season for us and I try to be Thankful to God for His mercy and that my family is still all together

Happy 16, Baby Boy!

How did it happen?   

When did I close my eyes and a handsome young man took the place of my baby boy?

I can't believe that 16 years have flown by in the blink of an eye.  I feel I have missed so much and you are now wanting to fly...all I want to do is slow time down so I can keep you close.  I want to protect you from heart break and keep you safe.  I want life to bring you only blessings and joy.  I pray for you daily, that you will walk with God  and seek His will above all others.

When I look up to the baby boy that now towers over me in the body of a young man, I am stunned that we are 16 years down the path.  I was surprised when he came into this world ahead of schedule and he has continued to surprise me in so many ways, with the the depth of his intelligence, talents, kindness.  He surprises me daily with a sense of humor I could have never even fathomed out of anyone.  A recent surprise is how protective he has become of me and his siblings as he grows from boy to man.  He is a wonderful, caring and responsible young man and I am so blessed to share in his life.

 Happy 16th Birthday, my sweet baby boy.

But he said, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and keep it!”
Luke 11:28

A Diagnosis...

My boys, planning, creating and always doing something!

I have been pretty quiet the last few days and that is due in part to having overnight guests from last Wednesday through Sunday and also from the fact that I have spent what little free time I have had trying to understand and wrap my head around the diagnosis that we finally received last week concerning my sweet, youngest son. 

After his adventure in testing, a 72 hour EEG, abnormal brain wave spikes were found.  This, in conjunction with previous seizures, brings the conclusion that my sweet boy has a seizure disorder.  So...there is an answer, but it is an answer that brings more questions. 

The Neurologist gave me lots of information to digest and told me to talk it over with DH and then we can all decide how to proceed.  The Dr. was very sweet in that he understood that the information he was giving me was going to raise more questions and he assured me he would patiently answer each one.  What a relief because as the week has gone on my list of questions has grown substantially. 

As far as my sweet boy goes, he is feeling good.  He still has some headaches but we are wondering if they are allergy related and not related to the seizures (see...we still have lots and lots of questions.)  His primary Dr. put him on a 24 hour allergy medicine after our visit last week and it does seem to be making DS2 feel better. 

It has been 5 weeks since the last seizure...and we are still wading through this new stream of life.  There are so many questions about the present and future for my little boy.  As a Mom, it scares me a lot. I am concerned for the changes this may bring for DS2.   I am not sure what we are going to do as far as treatment as there are many options; some include medication, others revolve around diet and vitamins but all include a large dose of prayer.  I am praying continually to keep reminding my heart (and head) that God is in control.

The Unexpected Lesson from an EEG

This weekend finds us still on the search for answers to what is behind the seizures that DS2 has been having (to back track on this story begin here) and he is under going a 72 hour ambulatory EEG this weekend.  We went to Charleston yesterday to get it set up and attached (yes, he has to wear it until Monday afternoon...even during sleep but fortunately he doesn't have to stay in the hospital.)  He is a real trooper and hasn't complained which makes me so proud of him and his sweet spirit.

On the way home from Charleston, we stopped for some lunch. Remember, he was attached to the EEG.   It looks quite intimidating, as he has wires coming out from under his head wrap and attached to a little pack that he has strapped on.  Of course, in the restaurant it got noticed.  Not that anyone was overt but you knew they were noticing and no one was more aware of that than DS2.  By the time our food arrived I could tell his mood had become very reflective and serious.  He looked over at me with such seriousness in his beautiful green eyes and told me, "You know how when we see someone who is different, or we talk about someone who is different? Well, it changes a whole lot when you are the one who is different."  We went on to talk about how people who are dealing with illnesses, or just any physical differences must feel.  His heart opened in a way that I don't think I could have ever imagined just by his small experience of being "different."  He has always been a compasionate soul, but I could tell that his view into what others who are different must feel, was heart stretching.  He learned a lesson that no words I could have shared could ever have taught.  He saw that no matter the differences we truly are all God's creations.  My heart just melted as I listened to my 10 year old grow and mature before my very eyes. He poured out his heart concern and love for others, and I don't think I have ever been so touched and proud of him.

Who knew that an EEG could teach so much?

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for

righteousness, for they shall be filled.

~Matthew 5:6

A Wow Mommy Moment

Source: browse.deviantart.com via Bob on Pinterest

You know those Mom Days when you really think boarding school sounds really good?  I had one of those yesterday with my oldest DS.  He got in trouble because he let his grades slip…which on my radar is a pretty high offense.  This is a song and dance I have done regularly with this child as he isn’t crazy about the whole book learning part of school (the social scene is a totally different thing, trust me he is really good at that…)  So yesterday I pulled out the big guns and laid down some pretty hefty consequences that I intend to stand behind.  He got mad…heck, if I were 15.... I would have gotten mad too. 

But this afternoon, after he did his homework, he came into my office and said the words that almost took my breath away.  He said, “Thanks for caring.”  Of course, I was stunned and ask about what and then he said, “About my school and all.”

Wow, just wow……

Happy Birthday, Baby Girl!

Can it be that 20 years have passed?  I can't believe my baby girl turns 20 today.  It is strange to think she is an adult.  She has grown into a wonderful young lady, one that I am so proud to call my daughter.  I cherish this girl!

A daughter is the happy memories of the past,

the joyful moments of the present,

and the hope and promise of the future.

  ~Author Unknown

Boys of Fall...

It is that time of year again, when football season is in full swing.  We had game 3 last night of my son's JV season.  I still marvel at the fact that I have a football player.  He spent so many years playing baseball, practically year round, and never playing even little league football.  Now he is playing his 2nd season of football and loves it completely. He has scored in every game this season and looks like he might end up a pretty decent player.  

And he wears these badges of honor with pride (they are cleat marks.)

Something I (the Mom) don't quite understand....

Monday Mommy Musings: I have been a very bad blogger...

Yes, I said it.  I have been a bad blogger as of late.  It isn't that I don't love all you wonderful blog friends, but rather I have been spending a bit more time with my kiddos.  Some how it seems there can be times when there isn't time for both.  We are getting down to the wire on how much time we have left before they all go back to school.  DD has to be back on campus to prepare for Recruitment (RUSH for all us oldies) on July 31st!!!  So we have only 19 days until she is gone and my boys go back to school on August 15th (not much more than a month). Also, making  those times shorter, DD will be spending a few days on a trip with a friend and my oldest DS will be at camp for a week and a weekend retreat before school starts.  My youngest is in Music camp this week. 

So, please forgive my hit or miss blogging schedule. I don't want to miss a thing!

Happy Birthday!

Today my sweet baby boy is 9 years old. 

DS2 is such a light in my life.  He is a child that likes everyone & everything. He is compassionate and loves animals so much. He is full of life and personality and keeps me on my toes. 

Although he is the youngest of three, he definitely is his own person.  I am so blessed to share life with such a wonderful little man. 

Happy Birthday, sweet baby boy!

"Sons are a heritage from the Lord; children a reward from Him." ~ Psalm 127:3 (NIV)

The last week...

The winds of change are starting to blow.

I feel the breeze on my face and it brings misty eyes. 

In 4 short days, we will load up the car and drive our first born to college...and, leave her there...without us...to start a new season of life.  She will be spreading her wings, strengthening her step and forging a new path...and I will be missing her....but can't wait to see what God has in store!