Happy Birthday Baby Boy!

 

Birthdays are funny things when your children are grown. They still carry the same joy and wonder they did when our little ones were blowing out candles over a mess of frosting, but they also bring a quiet feeling that I can't quite name...an awareness of  how quickly the years slip through our fingers.

Today, my baby boy celebrates another year of life. And while I am endlessly proud of the man he is becoming, my heart can’t help but drift back to the days when his hands were small enough to wrap around just one of my fingers, when his laughter filled the house in that carefree, boyish way that only childhood allows.

There is such sweetness in watching him grow into himself...seeing his confidence, his choices, and his passions take shape. But there is also a pang of longing for the days that feel like they ended too soon: the ball games, the school mornings, the nights he wanted to talk for hours starting at 11:00 PM.

That’s the bittersweet truth of motherhood. We raise our children to be independent, strong, and capable, yet we can’t help but miss the days when they needed us for everything. A birthday, especially, is a reminder of both, the celebration of who they are now and the memory of who they once were.

So today, I celebrate my son with all the love and pride my heart can hold. I also quietly honor the little baby who made his depute today, all those years ago, who still lives in every smile, every hug, and every memory.

Happy birthday, my baby boy. No matter how many years pass, you’ll always carry that title with me.

Looking for Peace at the Seashore

Yesterday, my mind swirled with all kind of thoughts and emotions...you know the kind that make you question everything.  Even though I don't make the mark often, I am still trying to be the change and not add negativety into our world, but some days seem to push you further than you expect; maybe it is a day when you had plans with someone and they decided to do something else with someone else (and you aren't included) or maybe it is an unexpected bit of news from work or family.  Those days really don't make you want to play nice or cooperate with anything or anyone.  They are draining and disappointing. 

So, to relieve the stress and not just sit at home alone, I got in my car and started driving.  Where?  I didn't know, I just went.  It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I let the roads lead me.  It isn't hard to figure out, though, like a magnet it took me through some areas I had never seen before and I ended up at the seashore.  Fortunately, it was a reasonably quiet spot of sand and I was able to just sit and watch the water come in, pray and think.  I have a lot to pray about....my family relations, my future, a job, etc. and I have a lot to be thankful for as well. 

This is a season of change for my family and now our little household is down to only 2 plus the 2 furbabies.  With that comes adjustment...not necessarily bad adjustment, just adjustment.  My greatest love has been to be a Mom and I am sad to see that season ending. Although, I will always be their Mom....it isn't the same.  I have 36 months before my baby flies and when you put it in those terms it almost overwhelms me.  My other children now live hours away and it is going to take some time to wrap my mind around what used to be and what is. I struggle because I don't know how to hold us together in this season.  I thought I had it all clear in my head and now I get to start over.  Oh, joy!

What a week....

This week has not be the easiest of weeks.  My oldest son is moving out to find life on his own and heading to a new college, several hours away, in a week or so. He has been staying with friends this week and the last of his stuff will be gone on Sunday. He is actually moving out and not just to college. It is a change of season. He is going to be fine. I love him and know he wants to take on life on his own terms but as a Mom my emotions have been all over the place due to many issues.  At the very least, I can say  it is has been rocky.

Also, I am not sure if I  mentioned it, but my company phased out all Field Management within the organization at the end of June, so for the last month I have been on the roller coaster ride of unemployment.  It has meant countless hours of looking for a job, sending resumes, contacting everyone I know and fortunately interviews. It has also meant a huge weight of stress and fighting fear about the future.  This is not my favorite part of doing life alone!  I was sad to see my job go (not just for the obvious reasons!) but because I truly loved what I did and loved the people I worked with and for. I miss working with all of the sweet souls I met, but at least now I can count them as friends and not co-workers.  Either way, you can imagine this month/week has been a challenge to my sense of equilibrium and peace. 

Losing my job sent me into a real tailspin emotionally, especially since I was unaware of how invested I was in my job.  So, without it, I lost some traction, direction and a great deal of security.  Trust me when I say I have had to pray over this one.  I am praying God places me where HE wants me and that I don't run ahead of him out of fear (something I am particularly good at!) 

Strangely enough, being unemployed also has taken a toll on my school focus. Being a full time college student and working full time was not easy but somehow it worked; maybe it was the firmer schedule?  Originally I thought, "Wow, I will be able to take some time and really focus on school and just buzz through this class!" Not so, actually it has been harder to get school work done because every time I sit down at the computer I feel the need to look for a job, send a resume,  etc.  So, tonight, on this exciting and beautiful Friday night...I am writing a paper.  Whooohooo....I can feel the jealously through the screen here. 

So, I guess this is my whiny....#betransparent post of the week.  I would appreciate prayers, if you are so inclined, for my family as we transition into our new season and that what ever God is trying to teach me I will learn and it will grow me into a better person.

I blew it today....again.

photo credit unknown

I blew it today...Again.  I blew it as a Mom.  I failed to bridge a connection and scale a wall that I can't see or don't even know where it starts. I failed to teach respect or honor.  It weighs heavily on me, always.  I think all Mothers feel that when they aren't connecting with their children, no matter how old that child might be.  There is a saying, that you are only as happy as your most unhappy child, and I know for me that has always held true.  I want to be a good Mom and I think being a single Mom, I multiply that pressure  tenfold.  The reality is, I stink at being a Dad, so when I fail at being a good Mom I beat myself up doubly.  Of course, everyone will say don't do that...I just haven't quite figured out how not to yet. 

I am trying so hard to be the Mom I should be, it is literally the top priority in my life as my calling from God. My relationship with my children is only second to my relationship with God.  It is very discouraging when I drop the ball and watch it roll down an endless hill, with little hope of recovery.  I say things I shouldn't, I don't say things I should.  More than anything I want to be a pathway to Christ for my children and when I mess up, like today, I know I am so far off the mark it isn't funny.  Rather than lighting a path...I am building a roadblock.

My greatest earthly blessings are my children.  I know that there is nothing that they will ever do that will stop my love for them.  My greatest desire is for them to grow into Godly men and a Godly woman...much more than I ever have been.  I want them to avoid the pains I have walked through because I wasn't walking with God or putting Him first but sometimes words aren't enough.  I am grateful that God forgives, unfortunately, humans (even our children) aren't so quick to do so no matter how many times we ask.  We are the closest things to God our children often see, they see our failures and humanness and assign it to what they think God is.  That is why it hurts so badly when I fail one of them, because I know I may very well be pushing them further from their Heavenly Father.

So, I get up from my epic fall, wipe off my knees, and hopefully, I will get another day to try again.

Can you believe it has been almost 3 months since I have been here?

My attempt to come back to blogging has proven to be more challenging than  it ever used to be!  I don't know if it has been a state of mind, lack of time or just missing muse, but I am back and really hope that I can open up more and share and make this place on the internets mine!  I met so many wonderful friends online and in real life through blogging; not to mention it was really a wonderful way to journal my life...the good, the bad and the ugly!  So many of you gave me so much support as my life crumbled and it was a beautiful gift.  I find myself now writing blog posts in my mind while on the way to an appointment or meeting but never seeming to make it away from my work computer long enough to blog on my personal computer!

I talked a lot about transparency, but that is a trait I am still refining and as my life has changed so very much in the last 3 years it has taken on new meaning and relevance.  I have been accused on many occasions of being fake.  I know that was a term chosen for its intended blow because I tried to live as transparently as possible, while not hurting others and hiding secrets not my own.  But, now, in my "new life" I can be perfectly transparent and perfectly imperfect.  So maybe that isn't a bad trade? 

Right now, at this very moment, I am full of joy and also sadness.  I am joyful because after living in what felt like a perpetual state of being underwater, I have finally broken through the surface and am breathing again.  Color is seeping back into my world. I am sad because I have missed so much allowing myself to become one of the walking wounded.  I have not been the Mother I wish I could have been.  Yes, I was a "good enough" Mother, providing and making sure everything was taken care of but I wish I had been more...but I am imperfect.  I failed my children in so many ways and they deserved better.  I deserved better. My friends and family deserved better.  But...I am finished with blaming and stumbling...I am ready to walk forward and learn to dance. 

For so many years I lived in a state of fear and I am finally not afraid anymore.  I am seeing God work in my life and I am seeking comfort in His Word again for the first time in a long time.  I am so glad that He knows me better than I know myself and He is patient, even with a particularly difficult, hard-headed child like me! :-)

Mourning has ended and the sun has come to shine again.  I will face battles still, but I will survive, win or lose. I will make mistakes but  I will make it...because I am stronger than we could have ever imagined. 

Happy Birthday!

Today my sweet baby boy is 9 years old. 

DS2 is such a light in my life.  He is a child that likes everyone & everything. He is compassionate and loves animals so much. He is full of life and personality and keeps me on my toes. 

Although he is the youngest of three, he definitely is his own person.  I am so blessed to share life with such a wonderful little man. 

Happy Birthday, sweet baby boy!

"Sons are a heritage from the Lord; children a reward from Him." ~ Psalm 127:3 (NIV)