Now and Then

 

             Now...                                                                      Then...

What a journey! I’m getting real and showing you a snapshot of my life now (2022) versus back then (2013 - the worst time in my life). There’s so much more of me NOW: more curves, more brunette, more wrinkles, and more health—physical, spiritual, and mental. I’ve gained more strength, more boundaries, more confidence, more love, more laughs, and more grace. But there were some definite “mores” back THEN too: more blonde, more sickness, more tears, more pain, more loss, more fear, and more thigh gap. 

Sure, maybe I’d take back a bit of that thigh gap and trade a curve or two, but honestly, I’m pretty amazed at who I’ve become. I try not to dwell  too much on the past and the time lost due to those events, but something about these two photos—taken in the same place, during the same holiday week 11 years apart—made me reflect.

The blonde woman on the right was gearing up for the fight of her life, unaware that within weeks, everything she knew would be gone. She had no idea her health was failing, leading to a medical crisis that would last three years. She didn’t know she’d become a single parent, starting a new life on her own. She was holding onto hope, believing in commitments and promises. Her ability to comprehend loss was limited… but she learned.

Since those days, that skinny blonde went back to her roots—quite literally (brunette joke!). She learned a lot, though it wasn’t quick or easy. I never want to repeat those life lessons, and no one understands the price I paid more than I do. I didn’t deserve what happened, but when I look at the plump brunette on the left, I see strength earned through battles fought. Not all battles were won, and scars still show from time to time. The victories often look different than I imagined. I lost a lot but gained a life I could never have dreamed of. Some of it is a trade-off, and I know nothing is ever an even trade. Mostly, though, I am MORE! I am EXTRA and proud of it. Ultimately, I have the best win: knowing that those who couldn’t handle the “then girl” could never handle or be worthy of the “now girl.”

8 Years ago....

I don't know if this date will ever lose the significance it has in my heart.  It is a day I still remember vividly...actually with a bizarre level of detail.  It was the day I saw my child dying. It was a day I saw the faces of my other children in more pain than I could imagine as fear of losing some one so dear to them hit them truly for the first time  It was also the day my baby boy and I started our journey into this thing called Epilepsy and seizures and crazy diets and refusing toxic treatments.  It was a day that planted a fear so deeply inside me that I knew only God understood. I didn't know that my youngest son and I would, more or less, walk this journey alone but we haven't done so bad.

8 years ago, everything was unknown...would he be alive the next day or the next?  Would he be permanently changed?  How could I help?  There were no answers.

But, 8 years later, most of it spent as a single parent...I have gotten to witness first hand, and continue to see, the amazing young man he is becoming.  Just a few weeks ago I got to watch as he signed his commitment to his first choice college - after also being accepted into his #2 and #3 choices!  Honestly, 8 years ago I didn't know if that would ever happen.  He has worked hard and I am proud of him for not letting anything hold him back.

I know many of you have prayed over this young man and thank you is not near enough.
 I know God heard our cries. 

Thank you, God, for this child.

Blessed,

As Summer wanes - a recap.

I have alluded to the fact that this has been a bit of a crazy, unusual summer for me, but it really wasn't so much for me but my youngest son.  I have been waiting for his world to slow down a bit before I posted about all his adventures over the last couple of months.  This summer, the "last" summer before he graduates from high school, has been truly a summer of extraordinary experiences for him.  We knew going into the summer that there were a couple of fun things on the horizon but never, in our wildest dreams, did we see the special things that God would place in front of him.

First: Deep See Fishing with Gump

Almost as soon as school was dismissed for the Summer my parents came and my Dad and Mom really wanted to do something special for my son. They planned a day of deep-sea fishing.  Although we found out - too late - that my Dad apparently does not have his sea legs, I am so glad my son got this special memory with his Gump.

Second:  Palmetto Boys State:
My son, my super amazing youngest son, was a delegate to the American Legion's Palmetto Boys State Encampment.  It was quite an honor to represent his school among 1200 of the best and brightest South Carolina has to offer.  To say it was a week that changed his life would be an understatement.  It sounds cliche' but he learned so much and grew so much in 7 days I was amazed.  It was like watching God mold the clay as one might say.  Unlike some parents, I will brag that my son stayed in touch with me and kept me up to date as the week progressed and culminated with him being elected the 2019 Palmetto Boys State Lieutenant Governor (from 1200 other amazing young men!) and being inaugurated on the steps of the South Carolina State House Steps along with the current South Carolina Lieutenant Governor, Pamela Evette and South Carolina Governor, Henry McMaster.  If a race down Main Street in Columbia by almost 2000 (including Palmetto Girls State) outstanding young people and American Legion Staff and then being escorted down the Statehouse steps by the current Lieutenant Governor wasn't enough, my baby boy also was allowed to address the crowd of over 2000 people in attendance.  The icing on the cake came when he was selected as one of two delegates from our great State to represent South Carolina at the 2019 American Legion Boys Nation in Washington, D.C. for 8 days. Out of 20,000 young men across our nation, he was one of 100 to be given this honor. Yes...I was/am a proud....VERY PROUD...Mama.

Picking my boy up and ready to have him home, at least for a few days!

Third: Puerto Rico

I think somewhere my sweet boy hit the summertime vacation jackpot when an out-of-the-blue invitation came for him to join a friend and his family in Puerto Rico. He had a wonderful vacation and a great deal of fun with his friend and his family.    I am so glad he got to experience and see new things and was able to see the beauty of Puerto Rico but also that there is great poverty and sadness as well. He text me at one point as he was seeing the differences within the culture, "the poverty here is insane."  Although he has been on mission trips and worked with Life Changers in areas that needed help this opened him up a little bit differently.  He was taken aback and it led us to some great discussions and thoughts on poverty here and in other areas of the world.  I am glad that even on holiday his heart was pricked and God was working.  I am so thankful to his friend's family for including him.

Fourth: Mission Trip with our Church to Chattanooga, TN
Yes, all these events were basically back to back. He was home packing just to turn around and head back out.  He also went on a much anticipated mission trip with our church to Chattanooga, Tennessee.  It was a week that really again had my young man looking at his heart and realizing life isn't fair for so many people.  He spent time working in a downtown soup kitchen, working in a warehouse and also spending lots of time in fellowship and studying with his youth group.  When he called during this time I could feel him struggling and God working.  It was a good week.  The only downside is he had to fly home a day early because he had to fly back out the next morning for Boy's Nation in Washington, D.C.!!!  Yes, this summer has needed a calendar all to itself!

Yes, that is my boy in the dumpster...don't say he isn't willing to get down and dirty to get a job done!

Fifth: 2019 American Legion Boy's Nation
I am not sure what I can truly say to explain this experience.  Of course, I wasn't there and have only heard lots and lots of amazing stories, but my son had a truly life altering week.  He learned, stretched and competed with the best of the best led by the best of the best.  Being one of 100 chosen from 20,000 young men across the Nation made for quite the young think tank.  I am proud of the hard work my son had to put in to attend and participate in Boy's Nation.  He had to draft, submit and defend a bill as an American Legion Senator and he was challenged by young men from all over this great Nation and opened his mind and heart to others like him and some very different.  To truly learn more about Boys Nation, check out this article about my young man that appeared on the front page of our local paper: Local Teen Headed to Washington, D. C..

So, yes, this has been the post to end all posts....more like a novella.  There have been a lot of exciting things going on around here and I have not be more humbled than by the proclamation that I received last week that my son proposed to the American Legion 2019 Boys Nation Legislature:

These few words might not see like they would mean a lot, but, as a single Mom who literally has to make every decision and deal with every detail they mean everything. It is just the two of us and a lot of the time I don't feel like I am getting it right, but either way I know I am blessed to have the opportunity to try.  I am so proud of my young man and all the work he has done and as he begins his Senior Year of High School....I can't wait to see what God has in store.

Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him.

Psalm 127:3 (NIV)

Bachlorette Fun!

I can't believe it but my girl of girls is getting married.  She and I became unlikely friends, partly due to  a tattoo that I just knew stood in the way of our friendship, several years ago when we were both in the throws of life changes and lots of pain.  Maybe it was a kindred spirit kind of thing because God brought us together at a time when we each felt no one else on the face of the earth could possibly understand the pain we were going through.  We walked the path of newly single together, learned the ups and down of single Motherhood to boys, shared the war stories of dating in this season of life.  We cried together...sometimes for her family, sometimes for mine and sometimes for both.

She would be the friend that I left the USA with for the first time in my life.  She was the friend with whom I will never forget the hours of talking we did late at night as we sat on the balcony of a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean and laughed and talked and opened ourselves up as only soul sisters can.  We have shared countless hours of retail therapy and shared quite a few clothes as well (another kindred love we share!)  We have been each other's "wingman," movie date, Walking Dead buddies and shared holidays during those first years when our fractured families were trying to figure it out. We have chased the loneliness out of each other's life more times that I can count. Even though it didn't always feel like it, when we got together, we knew we were going to get through another day. We walked through court proceedings, financial crisis' and  financial classes together and grew up. Yes, it was hard...but we did it.

Now, we are celebrating her upcoming nuptials to one amazing man.  They met at a work conference last year and fell head over heals.... totally and quickly.  I am so happy for her that she has found a Godly, devoted, caring and handsome man to walk the rest of this life's path with...but a little sad too.  She will be moving to his home state in June...an airplane ride away.  I am selfish and cry a little each time I think about it.  I am so happy that she has found her "true North."  I wish them a lifetime of joy, memories and more love than they can contain. But even more than that, I am so thankful to have had her by my side during the wild ride of the last few years.

Thank you, God, for the angel with the "questionable" tattoo!

Have I mentioned I am a Single Mom?



So, have I mentioned it a time or two...that I am a single Mom?  Maybe not, because I don't really like the label.  I never wanted the label but the court system and an ex-husband decided it should be my new label. I didn't get a say in it, just got it slapped on my forehead.  In all honesty, it has taken me about 3 years to adjust to the title.  Now, I just say it....

Anyway, the purpose of this post is not to lament being a Single Mom, though we can do that some other time if you like.  The purpose of this post is to ask other Single Moms, "What is your most challenging logistical part of single parenting?" 

For me it is dinner time! I seriously hate grocery shopping, not to mention finding time to do said errand and then the heart attack at the register.  See why I would just rather ignore it?  But, I can't...as hard as I have tried I can't.  First, I have finally realized how much my kids miss a Mom who cooks and that really hit me hard in the [Mom Fail] department. Secondly, I can't afford to eat out continually and I know it isn't the healthiest approach to life.  So, those two reasons  have given rise to find the motivation to try to bring my kids back to the table for meals, even if they are a bit on the late side if I come rolling in from work at 7:00 PM.  I think it is good for us to eat together and not scattered through the house or in front of the TV.  It is a nice time to at least make some connection in a non threatning environment.  I miss that family time and I am making a determined effort to bring it back for myself, but also for my boys...they need that Mom who cooks! 

So what is your Single Mom Challange???

What a long 2 weeks it has been...

I have to say the last two weeks have seemed incredibly long to me...as if someone stuck an extra four days in the middle of each one.  We started last week on a high note with a fun Memorial Day Celebration.  I love having a house full of friends and family and it was a wonderful way to start the week...then work happened.

Not to say that I don't love my job, because I do, but when you try to cram 5 days of work into 4 it never seems to work.  Not to mention, I got some very good, positive news from work last week but that same very good, positive news also has made my mind practically explode as I try to wrap my mind around what it means for my career.  Honestly, had I know this change was coming, I would have taken a couple of days off after Memorial Day to just clear out the filing cabinet in my head!  Now, I am flying by the seat of my pants and trying to organize twice as much as before.  Luckily I work with a great team of women who are supportive and I am leaning hard on their experience and expertise! I also have a very good friend who is literally an organizing guru and I shall be "borrowing" some of their time for literal organizing.

This past weekend flew by #1 because I worked an event for my job on Saturday morning (and also picked up 2 gorgeous original art pieces that I need to share in another post) and my little guy was sick on Sunday.  He was also sick on Monday with a fever and just felt bad all over so that kind of threw me into a funk and started the week on shaky ground.  Thankfully, today he seems back to his 150% self.  It is a challenge I am still not quite comfortable with when either of my boys is sick and I have to work.  That is my #singlemom  challenge I think...well, that and figuring out just when to grocery shop. 

So, chalk this up to the most boring blog post ever but the past week or so have been crammed full of work, house cleaning, sleeping, work, church, the boys, cooking, laundry and a plethora of other "exciting" things!  I promise my next post will be more fun...maybe about my recent trip to Kiawah Island and my first trip to the magical Angel Oak on James Island? 

I have done some good reading this past week, though, which is rare in my life these days.  It seems since my world changed a few years ago I lost the ability to read a book. Books have always been an escape for me and I am so happy to finally be able to lose myself in one again.  Though right now, I seem to have several going at once!  Oh, and I can no longer stay up all night reading...this whole grow up working girl thing has cut into that.  :-)

Here's to a week filled with smiles and days sprinkled with sparkles!

2016 and being the Mother of the Bride

Can it be that I have not blogged in over a month?  For shame!!!!  I suppose work has been busy (actually work seems to keep busy 24/7!)  Then I have home and Mommy duties to take care of and a couple of volunteer organizations I belong to...so I think blogging lost out to everything else.  But I have missed it.  The last couple of weeks so many times I planned to blog but then I didn't for what ever reason. 

I am getting more organized and adjusted to my life and what being a single Mom and working full time means lately.  I am getting my house organized a little at a time, even though that feels like an uphill battle.  I am starting to force myself into areas that I used to love and I have gotten away from in the last couple of years like cooking and gardening.  If I can find time to read for pleasure I will feel pretty accomplished!

One thing I don't think I have mentioned is 2016 makes me a Mother of the Bride!  Yes, my beautiful daughter is getting married in April.  She is so excited and wedding invitations have gone out and plans finalized.  It is a strange season for me personally...my baby girl is getting married.  How can that be real?  My daughter actually gave me the super cute tote bag in the picture for Christmas so I carry it every chance I get because lets be real, how often do I get to be a Mother of the Bride....just once!

So, here's to blogging again and learning write and sharing my life! 

Single Girl Can Cook: Rustic Fresh Peach Tart...

Last night was one of those "single girl" firsts...I had friends over for the first time to my new home. I opened my doors as just me...single.  It was strange because as a couple my husband and I loved to entertain and have a house full of people. We actually bought our last house because we knew it would be perfect for having parties! Doing it alone was just....I don't know.....just....

Needless to say, with the turmoil that has surrounded my life over the last year, I haven't done much entertaining or baking.  I used to love it. I especially loved trying new recipes, particularly when friends were coming over! I am not sure they ever knew how much they were my guinea pigs for new recipes. So....for last night I was determined to try at least one new thing and it turned out great if I do say so myself.  It was also easy, which put my nervous self at ease.  After DS2 and I went to the Farmer's Market and picked up some fresh peaches (they are just coming into season!) I made a Rustic Fresh Peach Tart which was topped liberally with whipped cream before serving.  It is definitely a keeper and I will be making it again! I actually made 2 of these to make sure we had enough.

Rustic Peach Tart

For each tart you will need:

1 Ready to use refrigerated pie crust
1/3 cup sugar
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
4 oz. cream cheese, softened
2 large fresh peaches, peeled & sliced (about 2 cups)
Whipped Cream

• Preheat oven to 400.
• Unroll pie crust on foil covered baking pan that has been sprayed with non-stick cooking spray.
• Combine sugar & cinnamon.
• Mix 1 Tablespoon sugar mixture into softened cream cheese.
• Spread cream cheese to within 2 inches of edge of crust.
• Reserve 1 Tablespoon of sugar mixture.
• Toss peaches with remaining sugar mixture and spoon over cream cheese mixture.
• Fold over edge of crust, overlapping peaches just a little.  
• Sprinkle remaining sugar mixture over tart.
• Bake 25 minutes or until crust is golden and fruit juices are bubbling.   
• Cool slightly before removing from baking sheet.
• Top with whip cream before serving!  Enjoy!!!!

Rustic Fresh Peach Tart

Belated Mother's Day Post

This post is a few days over due, but this week has had a few unexpected things happen and I had to work all day on Mother's Day so there was no time for blogging. I guess better late than never?  This year's Mother's Day was like all the holidays so far...it felt weird and there was a gap missing but I still know that I am overwhelmingly blessed by my 3 soon to be 4 because that includes includes my future son-in-law!

God gave me 3 amazing individuals to love, invest in and the wonderful opportunity to pour myself into their lives. Motherhood has been an amazing journey and a peek into Heaven for me.  I loved being pregnant, loved having babies and dreaded when each season ended because that took us one step closer to them being grown. I so wish I could pull them in close and breathe in that baby fragrance just one more time.

God also gave them each  huge hearts and they have been my rock over the last few months.  I am sure I would not have made it, if not for them and their unfailing love. I am so grateful for the gifts of their love.  Our family no long looks like it once did, and I never dreamed I would be a single Mom, and we are having to find new ways to navigate life, but they are my blessings beyond measure and I am so glad to have had them with me on Mother's Day.

"Let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth."

1 John 3:18

This Kid...

I have some pretty great kids....like better than other people (yes, I just said better than other people...but I believe it...yep, I do.)  They each have their strengths and each has their unique talents and over the last few months they have all shown what amazing individuals they are but I just have to write about this kid today.  Now, don't get me wrong...I have, at one time or another, written about my other children but tonight he is on my heart.  He is my baby, though by the looks of this photo, baby probably isn't the right word but I can blame it on the fact that his Mom isn't very tall so he looks really tall...right?

This kid has really been through the ringer the last few months, well, actually the last few years (check back here to read his back story) 
but he has really shown me what insight and what heart is, in a way I could have never expected from a child.  He has clarity about things that I, as an adult, can't wrap my brain around.  He has a heart that hurts for others in a way that I can only hope to have one day.  He also feels burdens that other kids (or adults for that matter) don't feel, which isn't always good.  He is struggling right now with a loss in his life that I can't fix for him but he still finds the ability to worry about me.  About me.... how did I get so blessed?  All my children worry about me, but this one...he watches and worries and I wish I could take that away.  He is too young for that kind of weight. 

I was sick recently and this kid gets up and fixes breakfast for he and his older brother before school, without being asked, because I couldn't.  He just did it...including vitamins.  He is just that kind of a kid.  I am grasping at straws in so many ways in trying to figure out how to parent my young men on my own but moments like this...they are like a jolt to my soul.   Someone told me today that I had to be and could be both Mother & Father....and here I am with my little man leading the way.   So, as I look ahead, I hope one day he will know exactly what an amazing young man he is.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, 

coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

~James 1:17