Rediscovering My Voice...

I wrote my first blog post of 2024 yesterday. It wasn’t deep and it wasn’t long. It was just the marking of a celebration for someone I love. But, in so many ways, it was much more. 

For years, writing was my sanctuary. I found solace in the rhythm of my thoughts flowing onto paper, the tap-tap-tap of keys as my ideas took shape. My blog was a personal haven where I could share insights, stories, and snippets of my life with a supportive community. Eventually, it even led to a paid position as a columnist, and I held a secret dream of writing the great Southern Novel one day. However, an unexpected turn of events led to a hiatus from writing. After a long break, I finally found my way back to the keyboard to share, though not so frequently. 

 As I struggled to keep the muse fed and the words flowing someone used my own blog to try to assassinate my character. It wasn't just a nasty comment by an anonymous online person, casual jab, teasing remark, or even my words. Harmless clip art, I shared as an accent to a post that discussed my personal financial journey, which was a common theme, were presented in court. Now mind you, the post – words - (in full) was not presented. But the clipart from this post was used to paint me as someone I was not. Someone who knew how much writing meant to me used it as a weapon to attempt to hurt me, and I am sure make me stop. And stop, I did. I pulled away from writing on my blog except on rare occasions. 

Fast forward several years and I would, from time to time, write a post and think of jumping back into the words until a few months ago, when someone very near and dear to me ridiculed my blog, my writing, my use of social media. The blog that once represented my voice, my history, my faith became a source of embarrassment and hurt. The sting of their judgment was sharp. I often tell myself that I shouldn't care what others think, especially when it comes to something as personal as my creative expression; but reality is different. The criticism and mockery cut deep, especially coming from someone I love - someone whose opinion mattered to me. I had hoped for support, maybe even pride in my accomplishments, but instead, I was met with ridicule and reopening of long sealed scars. 

In the aftermath, I stopped writing. The blog that had been a canvas for my thoughts and experiences lay dormant and made private, hiding almost 20 years of my life. I pulled in my personal social media use, making previously public presences private, as I felt vulnerable. I withdrew, silencing the words that had once been better than therapy. The fear of judgment, of having my words twisted and used against me, was paralyzing. Each time I considered returning to my blog, the memories of those hurtful experiences would resurface, and I'd retreat further away from the keyboard. 

But I missed the cathartic release that writing provided. I missed the community of readers who found value in my words, who connected with my stories. Slowly, I am rebuilding my confidence. It isn’t easy. I must remind myself that my blog is my space, a reflection of my journey, thoughts, and creativity. I am starting small, rediscovering the joy of writing without the pressure of an audience. 

I decided to reclaim my blog. Sharing my story—this story—for me. To anyone who has faced similar challenges, know that your voice matters. It's easy to say we shouldn't care what others think, but it's okay to acknowledge that their opinions can hurt, especially when they come from those we love. However, it's crucial to remember that their views do not diminish your worth, the value of your creative expression, or your story. 

Rediscovering my passion for writing is a journey and I don’t know where it will go. My blog is once again a space where I can be unapologetically myself…whoever that is in this season of life. It is a place where I hope I can share my truths and connect with others who find solace or humor in my experiences, my wins, my losses, my adventures, and who knows what else. I hope that by sharing this experience, I can inspire others to reclaim their voices, to continue creating despite the setbacks, and to find pride in their unique stories. Writing is more than just putting words on a page; it's a reflection of your path. No one should ever have the power to take that away from you.

Back to Writing?

It is has really been a long time since I have stopped to write anything of any substance but the words have been taunting me lately, mostly in spurts in the car or when I am tied up with something and later I am too tired to capture them.

It has been a such a season of change (it seems it always is.)  My baby boy is experiencing his last year of high school with college in the cross hairs for next year.  I have almost melted down over this more than once; not because I don't want him to grow and go and experience all he was meant to but because I am selfish and fear life truly "alone."  I think about what it will be like to live without anyone coming home...just me and the dogs.  Yes, I know there are people who do it all the time and for years and years...but, honestly, I can't say I am looking forward to it.

Also, my current living situation is in flux as decisions about selling the house are in the air and although I try not to worry...worry comes.  If it were just me, it wouldn't be a bit deal; but it isn't just me...it is my son and our two fur-babies. Oh, and I am one of those people who doesn't like not knowing the plan.  I like plans.

On top of that, there are a couple of other area that I am  uncertain about and so my anxiety has been  having a fun time lately.  That is frustrating as I have been without the anxiety for quite a while until just lately and it has returned.  Maybe it is just part of who I am and I need to relax about not being able to relax?

Ultimately, over the last week or so I have realized that the last 6 years of stress and change have finally caught up with me and I am tired.  I am tired of things being hard. I just think it has been too long holding up all the loose ends.  I am also tired of people saying, "Wow, you have it so together!" when they never stop to get to know that I don't and that sometimes I need help too.  It is like you get criticized if you don't have it together so you smile and make sure it looks all together while inside you are criticizing yourself.  Crazy, huh?

I long for normal (what ever that is???) I long for loneliness to go away. I long for my family.  I long for something more and something less....peace and security mostly.

The Guests on South Battery (Book 5 from the Tradd Street Series) by Karen White - My Thoughst

I told you I have been reading again and completely understanding why I used to love it so very much.  It is the BEST escape from the world.  I can't watch a movie or television show and get the same escape.  Give me a good book and some time and I am truly in heaven.

This past week I dove back into the Tradd Street Series with the only book in the series I hadn't read.  Several years ago, when I was part of a book club, we read through this series up to the point there were no more books to read. So, imagine my excitement when I saw there was an addition to the series.

First, I should say I really like Karen White, as a writer, but I have liked some of the Tradd Series books more than others.  I liked ALL of them because they are set in the one city I have never lived in but have a great homesickness for....Charleston, South Carolina.  Normally I also don't read much that involves ghosts and spirits but these books have been an exception because I really like the history that is usually sprinkled in to spice the story lines up.  The Guest on South of Battery did not disappoint and actually finally, after four other books, began to warm my heart to the protagonist, Melanie Trenholm.

Though, Melanie is the main character of the series she was pretty much my least liked character and her peripheral characters, often in the form of ghosts or spirits who had lost their way, endeared the series to me. With this book Melanie was finally developed a with a bit more dimension and I think maybe I misjudged her.  IF you love the Low Country, beautiful, historic homes and, of course, Charleston and a ghost story or two...this just might be the series for you!

The Butterfly's Daughter by Mary Alice Monroe - My Thoughts

There was a time when I regularly did (and got paid) to do book reviews, but then a season arrived where I kind of stopped reading.  Yep, literally quit reading - at least for pleasure.  I think being back in school didn't help that as I spent a lot of time reading for school and not entertainment.  Last weekend, though, I picked up a book I had for along while but not read.  The Butterfly's Daughter by Mary Alice Monroe just happened to be laying on my desk and calling my name.  Well, I now remember why I used to read so much...it is the best escape.  I will not forget that anytime soon. So here is my first (free) offering on a book....

I have always like Mary Alice Monroe and this book had enough information interwoven into the story about Monarch Butterflies that I now have a new interest in butterflies, much like I gained an interest in bee keeping after reading  Sue Monk Kidd's The Secret Life of Bees!  Weird?  Probably, but hey I love odd facts especially if you can weave some mystery and good story telling around them. 

Although The Butterfly's Daughter does weave lovely stories about butterflies in this story, it doesn't come close to the emotional pull of many of Monroe's other works .  The main character, Luz, just isn't developed enough to get invested in fully nor are any of the other characters, except possibly one who actually dies early on in the story.  It was an enjoyable read, because I like reading, but over all it wasn't Mary Alice Monroe's best offering by far.  Honestly, each turn in the book just left me hanging.  It was as if I needed more of the multiple story lines before the author was off dragging the shallow main character into another. In the end....I was just left feeling like I was read a book that wasn't finished. It was disappointing,  as I kept feeling like at any moment I was going to find the page that wouldn't let me put the book down, but it never came.  That being said, I know I will continue to follow Monroe as an author and look forward to reading another of her books where her characters have more depth and puts her talent as a writer more fully on display.

How 5 years can change the world...

Today is a day when I need to write, need to spill words out somewhere. Emotions are thick and my mind swirls with thoughts, memories, dreams and questions.  Today is a day that brings me haunting memories and also great blessings. 

5 years ago, I almost lost one of my children.  I don't mean there was a close call, I mean I saw the life leaving his body as he lay on the ground among wet, cold, muddy leaves.  I still can remember what his blue face looked like and  the awful gurgling that came from his lungs as his life slipped away.  They say time heals all things...no, it doesn't. These are the haunting memories.

I know that God reached down and breathed life into my dying child that cold, rainy day.  There is no other explanation. Today, that same child, went alone for hours exploring with our dog.  Tonight he went to the movies with his big brother.  Just a moment ago he towered almost 9 full inches over me as he reach down to hug me and tell me he loved me and good night. He is now upstairs reading something way over my head.  Those are the great blessings. 

I stood at the sea shore today, something I promise myself I will do more of each year and I don't. I needed to go today to seek the magical healing of the waves and the salt air.  I am not sure if I found that healing but I did find my heart feeling more than I would have liked and my reserves pushed. I was looking for something...it wasn't there.  I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I head into 2017 in many ways the same as last year, though my thoughts and feelings are clearer.  The last few days of 2016 will be spent recalibrating myself and my heart and fortifying my foundation.

Today reminded me to hold onto what is true and solid, focusing on God's great gifts. I have learned that life is not kind but still there is so much to be thankful for and I am living thankfully...in all circumstances. If you find yourself walking the seashore you may very well find me there again staring out and seeking before the year truly ends. Hold on....

Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

Psalm 25:5 (NIV)

Southern Child Magazine

Y'all know I love magazines, and Southern Child Magazine is one that I hope you will check out!  It is full of great articles and  photography, while also staying true to it's original it's mission, "to inform and educate parents and care givers, to provide attractive affordable advertising to family based businesses and to help the hundreds of thousands of children in foster care find forever, loving families."  It is really inspiring to see a magazine trying so hard to help children that truly need a forever home.  When the publisher, Amy,  found out there are over 581,000 children in the foster care system and that only 20 percent of those who age out of the system actually make it (the remaining 80 percent end up on the street, in jail, or dead), she felt she had to do something and thus Southern Child Magazine was born! 

I was honored when Southern Child published 2 of my articles in this month's issue  (Here's to shameless self-promotion!)  On page 23 you will find an article I wrote about a "Super Southern Child" who also is doing his best to give back to others through his foundation, The Nickelby Project.  I also have an article to help you get motivated to get your Spring Cleaning on!  So, head over and check out this great magazine and sign up for a free online subscription!