Back to Writing?

It is has really been a long time since I have stopped to write anything of any substance but the words have been taunting me lately, mostly in spurts in the car or when I am tied up with something and later I am too tired to capture them.

It has been a such a season of change (it seems it always is.)  My baby boy is experiencing his last year of high school with college in the cross hairs for next year.  I have almost melted down over this more than once; not because I don't want him to grow and go and experience all he was meant to but because I am selfish and fear life truly "alone."  I think about what it will be like to live without anyone coming home...just me and the dogs.  Yes, I know there are people who do it all the time and for years and years...but, honestly, I can't say I am looking forward to it.

Also, my current living situation is in flux as decisions about selling the house are in the air and although I try not to worry...worry comes.  If it were just me, it wouldn't be a bit deal; but it isn't just me...it is my son and our two fur-babies. Oh, and I am one of those people who doesn't like not knowing the plan.  I like plans.

On top of that, there are a couple of other area that I am  uncertain about and so my anxiety has been  having a fun time lately.  That is frustrating as I have been without the anxiety for quite a while until just lately and it has returned.  Maybe it is just part of who I am and I need to relax about not being able to relax?

Ultimately, over the last week or so I have realized that the last 6 years of stress and change have finally caught up with me and I am tired.  I am tired of things being hard. I just think it has been too long holding up all the loose ends.  I am also tired of people saying, "Wow, you have it so together!" when they never stop to get to know that I don't and that sometimes I need help too.  It is like you get criticized if you don't have it together so you smile and make sure it looks all together while inside you are criticizing yourself.  Crazy, huh?

I long for normal (what ever that is???) I long for loneliness to go away. I long for my family.  I long for something more and something less....peace and security mostly.

Pruning...

New seasons of life can bring joy, excitement, love and then other new seasons can bring endings, pain and changes you never wanted.  I wish I could say I was in one of the joy, excitement and love seasons, but I am not.  I have been forced to take a new path. It is not a path I have ever wanted and tried to avoid it, but I am here and have to walk it alone.  It is scary and I kind of keep watching the skies for attacks from flying monkeys and am really wishing for some sparkly red pumps to make me feel better. 

I have spent literally days on my knees over the last few months begging, pleading and crying out to God and although He chose not to answer my prayers in the way that I wanted…He did answer them.  He is bigger than my problems.  He has opened my heart and my mind up and told me that He is “enough.”  He will be with me.  He will love me when I am unlovable by man’s standards.  He is enough.  Jesus is my all and all.

As a gardener, there are times that pruning is difficult and painful but necessary.  There have been times I have had to prune roses and tears came to my eyes not just from pricks from the thorns but because I hated to lose the growth and the current blooms.  I just hated it, even though I knew it was the only way for the plant to survive or I had no choice because it had grown in a uncontrollable, wayward direction.  It hurts, this pruning that is being done in my life and I have fought against it, but I am trusting in a Jesus that has a plan and His plans are greater than mine.  

He cuts of every branch in me that bears no fruit,

while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.

~John 15:2

So, I will ask for a prayer or two if you are so inclined, as I still get scared and it hurts a lot. I hope you will come along on my journey of loss, learning and healing and be patient if my writing seems glum at times.  I am determined not to get mired in the misery of bitterness and don’t want to miss another beautiful moment in life.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, 

so that Christ's power may rest on me.

 ~2 Corinthians 12:9