Digging Deeper....Internal Perspective - Psalm 139

As strange as it may seem, at my advanced stage on this ride called life, I still find myself, more than ever, learning about others and myself.  Sometimes the "myself stuff" takes me by surprise.  Something that has been eating at me for a while  finally came together and made sense to me this week. I am still having a hard time wrapping my mind around it and how to process it in relationship to moving forward in life. Isn't it interesting how God will show you His truth when you are willing to believe it and wrap yourself in it?  God wants us in the right perspective to see....

 

I learned  (well, something I have known but not acted on for sometime,) that I have always taken emotional ownership of everything, much to my detriment. By doing this I didn't allow myself to fully develop and shine.  As long as I can remember I am someone who internalizes life.  What that basically means is that I integrate the  attitudes, values, standards and the opinions of others of me into my own  identity or sense of self.

 

On the surface I am sure we all do that to a certain degree, but I let it become a defining factor of who I see myself as.  If someone else saw me as bad, I was bad.  If someone else saw me as beautiful or good, I was beautiful or good.  I was always looking for that validation and I internalized it to the degree that it limited me to  only being able to see myself through the lenses of other's jaded glasses.  This weakness allowed me to stay in a marriage for many years that subtly defined my less than worthiness.  I took the behaviors and choices of my husband and let them tell me who I was. No matter what I did, by that standard (which had nothing to do with me,) I was left defined as less than worthy of being loved honestly, purely and faithfully.  No matter how much I twisted, turned, and molded myself,  I would never be able to undo the internalization I had developed by the repeated reminders and reinforcements of not being enough....because I took it to the deepest part of my heart.  I continued to love and give more and more of me away trying to out run this horrible self pain.  

 

Although, I am no where near perfect (trust me on that!) I have always believed it was me that was the problem.  But as time has passed, through events unrelated to me, God has shown me that it didn't matter what kind of wife I was;  how talented, how smart, how pretty, how "Mini-Martha Stewart," how skinny, how sexy, how available.... it would never have mattered because my then husband had the inability or no desire to control his choices.  But, it wasn't me.  Yes, I have heard that a million-gazillion times but I had internalized that ugly, negative, shameful, stupid, useless mantra so deeply, human words couldn't undo the damage.  When my ex-husband, of 26 years of marriage, became engaged and remarried within weeks after the divorce, I internalized it. To me it was confirmation that I was deficient, not enough....but I now see that wasn't true.  He wasn't enough. Every time he turned to someone else, he proved that, but I was so short sighted, I could only see what was wrong with me.

 

I also internalize my role as Mother.  My greatest desire in life has always been to be a great wife and mother so when anything external signals otherwise, whether it be someone else making a comment on my parenting style, my house keeping, or my child saying the often pin point painful things that children say...I soak it right into my core.  It would/could/can devastate me.  Realistically I know I am not perfect, but in the face of these interactions I find myself walking around seeing myself through (insert comment/action/attitude) and it pushes me to twist, turn and often literally break my heart to be what others want to see.  If  one of my children takes my personal inventory (which generally is not during a  positive moment ) I immediately feel an overwhelming sense of failure. shame and guilt, whether their words are true or not. It feels like I can't be a good mother, I feel like I want to disappear because I am more bad than good.  I (no one else) makes me feel like I am more damage to my children than anything else.

I  have felt an abnormal need to make others happy, meet their needs, take care of everything and make it all look beautiful and dream-like for them.  Don't' misunderstand, I don't regret, for one moment, being a totally devoted wife and mother.  I loved those two jobs and know they will always be where my calling was....but I could have done better by expecting better.    I never could see the value in who and what I brought to the table...until this week.  I am working on the steps to relearn these ingrained behaviors that I have let myself develop and let the enemy run amok with in my heart.  I know it won't be an overnight change, but I am taking a step.

 

This week someone posed a  hard question to me....What is your worth...your inherent God defined worth?  I had expressed how I had been praying earnestly for many days to see myself through God's eyes and all I had heard was silence....days and days of total silence.  I was again internalizing and devastated....my heart was breaking because all I could come up with in my simple mind was God doesn't see me. My heart screamed "This explains the last 3 years of your life."  It even explained why I am doing life alone. It explained why I can't seem to be Mother of the Year. Although seemingly unrelated, it explained why I haven't been able to get a handle on my finances and excel the way some in my life have spewed at me that I should have.  It explained everything....God doesn't see me.  He truly has abandoned me, He no longer looks upon me as His...I even questioned whether He ever did.

 

Then the loaded the cannon was exploded and blew my internal voice away when this person said, "God is silent because he doesn't need to reprove Himself to you.".....silence......from me.  What?

 

God's word has already defined who I am in clear, concise words....why was I making other people idols before Him? Why were those other words and deeds directing me more than God? I  was discounting God. 

 

No more, "Am I good?" No more, "What do other's think of me?" No more, "If I could just be good enough."  I am special because I was created by God.  I am truly special because Jesus saw something in me worth dying for.  My truth has already been defined....Here is how God sees me:

 

Psalm 139

1 You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.

5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God! How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!

20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (NIV)

Giving the past away.

This past weekend I gave a big chunk of my past away.  My daughter and son-in-love came and took all my dining room furniture and silver, some crystal and china.  They have just bought their first house and so I decided it was time to part with my dining room.  This has been planned for weeks but I was a little surprised at the emotions it stirred around.

I watched them load the trailer with pieces of furniture that I loved and cherished but really no longer fit in my life and it was just kind of strange.  It was cutting of ties to memories to the past, which is healthy, but I was taken aback by those emotions.  My daughter carefully packed the crystal and china that she wanted and I watched some of my memories and dreams go in the box with each piece.  It wasn't really sad, but I can't quite put my finger on what it was.  I do know, though that it was one more step in making my home mine and that feels good.

On the flip side, though, I now have a wonderful office space where all my work can be consolidated and organized!  No more work in the sunroom, no more boxes in my bedroom!  I am excited about that!  Tomorrow I will start moving things into the empty room and trying to find a place for all the crystal that was left!  I can't wait to show you some before and after pictures!

To Church or not to Church?

 

My entire adult life, and most of my teens, church has been a very important part of my life.  I don't mean just the building or the people/social aspect of it, but the very essence of what the church is.  Church means so many different things to me... it is a place to worship and glorify Christ, a place to stop and say thank you to a God that loves us so very much, a place to bring your less than perfect self and know that God will and does perform miracles on your insides and out, a place to grow with the body of believers and be discipled and to disciple, and so much more. 

 

Recently, though, I have found myself in a very hard place concerning church.  I suppose it is what some would call Spiritual Warfare and sometimes it feels like I am losing.  The very act of going to church has become a challenge for me.  I know I need to be there, but I am pulling me away.  I have debated whether I need a new church or am I running away to something that feels softer, gentler?  There are a lot of memories in my church, some of them hard to face.  Ironically, the good memories are the hardest to face.  They point out all the changes, the differences and I am having a hard time trying to figure out how to fit it all together. 

 

So, yes...I am at a crossroads.  I don't know which way to turn.  Prayers appreciated.

 

My Little Brick Cottage....

You may have noticed at the bottom of each of my posts I sign off with "Love from my Little Brick Cottage," and I have even created a tag for it on other forms of Social Media because it makes me happy. 

My little brick cottage is not really even my own.  I am just a renter.  Lately, though, I have thought a lot about this little house and wondered why I love it so much.  It isn't glamourous or fancy.  It needs some TLC and lots of paint.  But, I love it.  When I look at it, I see it through "what it could be" eyes.  Up until recent months, I was very close to being able to purchase this little cottage but there were some changes and money was needed for other things.  Yes, I have struggled with being sad about that and worried about the "what if" I have to move quite a lot. 

One of my greatest painful realizations when I was divorced is that I would probably never live in another house that I owned.  It was the realization that I would probably always be a renter.  Of course, there are perks to being a renter, but I love the feeling of "my home" and the freedom and security that provides.  "My Home" means I belong somewhere even if it is just me.  I guess, until my divorce, I had never realized how much that meant to me.  Maybe I am somewhat of a homebody?

I do love this little house, though.  I love all the great things and all the quirky "why was that done that way" things.  I see amazing potential that could be brought out with just a few little sweat equity projects.  I envision what a little yard work would do for it. I love walking the tree lined streets of the neighborhood.  But, I really think the reason I love it, is I feel safe here. 

My boys and I came here at a time when nothing in life felt Ok or safe or right. I was lost and very afraid.  This little brick cottage came to me out of a fluke, an unexpected turn and it provided a haven for my boys, my dog (now 2 dogs), and I to start our new life.  We worked through a lot of pain  and all of us have done a lot of growing up in this house (still are.) This is where we learned to do life, just us.  This is where that first Christmas tree went up after our family became fractured.  It was hard, but we did it.  So many firsts, some good and some bad, have happen here it feels like a lifetime has been lived here.  Yes, I know it is just a building but to me it is more....it is home.  I have been blessed to have had these walls wrapped around my family to keep us safe, and secure. It has covered us through storms both inside and out.    Here's to this amazing little brick cottage in the heart of Florence!

Happy Birthday, Ma Jones!

I have written about this plant before but it never ceases to delight me and leaves me wondering each year if it will produce it's magic at just the right moment.  You see, this is my Grandmother's Christmas Cactus, for her it bloomed at Christmas, because much like most growing things it dared not defy her tutelage. 

 

When she died almost a decade ago, I some how ended up with her prized Christmas Cactus.  To this day I do not know how it ended up coming home with me.  The first year I had it, I was quite abusive and left it in my garage for many months with no water and little light.  Of course, when I finally brought it inside it didn't even show the tiniest sign of a single bud at Christmas.  I didn't think much about it.

 

Then her birthday rolled around in mid February, (the 17th, to be exact), and that amazing plant threw a very unexpected party.  It burst into full bloom, making me realize there was more than one variety of cactus planted...there is a red with a beautiful fuchsia stamen and then there is a white with tinges of red. To say I was filled with joy and sadness was an understatement.  

 

This year it popped out a bloom or two in December for the first time since I have had it and I wondered if the birthday streak was gone and if the plant had adjusted back to it's normal schedule.  That was until this week, when it began to bud and bloom and produce the birthday party for my Ma Jones... right on time. I have said this many times but the older I get the more I miss her.  It would be so nice to be able to escape to the bubble of her little world, it was somewhere you didn't have to explain, you could just be.

Spring Fever?

This weekend finds me playing nurse again (the second time in a month that I have had 2 sickies in the house over a weekend!)  Both my young men are sick.  One tested positive for flu and the other is down with a really bad sinus infection and awful cough (but so far has shown no signs of flu!!!)  Ironically, the one who received the flu shot is the one with the flu...go figure!  I am just hoping I don't get it because, as I have told many people, our dogs are just not really helpful. 

Last night, since we were definitely not going anywhere, I started looking at seed catalogs and, of course, the rose catalog caught my eye.  Years ago, 17 if I calculate correctly, I had a rose garden in the house I lived in.  Some of the roses were left from previous owners but I had planted the large beds in front with a combination of roses and azaleas.  In houses after that, there was usually a rose bush or two but never a rose garden.  It has been a long time since I have had a rose "garden" and I think this year might be the year.  I love the work required to bring out the best in these beauties and I just think it would be such a stress reliever to be able to wander through the bushes and literally "smell the roses."  Of course, I am not talking anything elaborate or fancy but just a few bushes to bring blooms to brighten the day.  Gardening is something I haven't done in several years and after my "window shopping" last night I think this may be the year to start cultivating that skill again.  It is so nice to be able to walk out of your house and pick your own tomato or cucumber or have peppers to make fresh salsa with right at hand.  I am sure I will have a lot of catching up and relearning but I do think this is the year! 

Make-Up Monday!

Since everyone gives Monday a bad wrap I thought I would put a fun twist on it and talk about a couple of cosmetic products that I love.  When I say I love them, I mean they are the tried and true standard and always are in the "routine." Today's post isn't actually about make-up but rather the very beginning and the very end of your make-up routine.  These are two steps that if you are skipping you are losing valuable hours of great looking make-up.  I only added these into my routine in the last year and I can't believe how I made it without them!!!

Although, I have always loved make-up and work in the industry, somehow I managed to avoid using a primer before putting on my foundation!  I think I thought it was just one more product to buy that would not make a difference.  Rest assured this is a product you NEED, if you aren't using one.  After applying your moisturizer this is the first thing that should go on.  It smooths your pores and readies your skin for makeup.  I can tell a huge difference if I put on my make-up with or without primer! 

The next must have on my list is the very last thing you put on...a setting spray.  If I was wary of the primer you really should have seen how I felt about setting spray and all it's claims of glory...but, they are true.  With Setting Spray you lightly mist your face when your make-up is complete and it helps it stay on all day looking dewy fresh.  That is a huge plus when you live in a warm climate where the humidity loves to attack not just your hair but also loves to melt that make-up right off!  So, if you aren't using a setting spray get one right away. 

Adding these two elements into your beauty routine will be minimum effort for great results that will keep you looking fresh and glowing all day!  Happy Make-Up Monday!!!