Back to Writing?

It is has really been a long time since I have stopped to write anything of any substance but the words have been taunting me lately, mostly in spurts in the car or when I am tied up with something and later I am too tired to capture them.

It has been a such a season of change (it seems it always is.)  My baby boy is experiencing his last year of high school with college in the cross hairs for next year.  I have almost melted down over this more than once; not because I don't want him to grow and go and experience all he was meant to but because I am selfish and fear life truly "alone."  I think about what it will be like to live without anyone coming home...just me and the dogs.  Yes, I know there are people who do it all the time and for years and years...but, honestly, I can't say I am looking forward to it.

Also, my current living situation is in flux as decisions about selling the house are in the air and although I try not to worry...worry comes.  If it were just me, it wouldn't be a bit deal; but it isn't just me...it is my son and our two fur-babies. Oh, and I am one of those people who doesn't like not knowing the plan.  I like plans.

On top of that, there are a couple of other area that I am  uncertain about and so my anxiety has been  having a fun time lately.  That is frustrating as I have been without the anxiety for quite a while until just lately and it has returned.  Maybe it is just part of who I am and I need to relax about not being able to relax?

Ultimately, over the last week or so I have realized that the last 6 years of stress and change have finally caught up with me and I am tired.  I am tired of things being hard. I just think it has been too long holding up all the loose ends.  I am also tired of people saying, "Wow, you have it so together!" when they never stop to get to know that I don't and that sometimes I need help too.  It is like you get criticized if you don't have it together so you smile and make sure it looks all together while inside you are criticizing yourself.  Crazy, huh?

I long for normal (what ever that is???) I long for loneliness to go away. I long for my family.  I long for something more and something less....peace and security mostly.

BUSY...the word that will no longer be used...A Rant

Busy, is a word I have come to despise...whether someone else uses it or I use it.  I  realize we have culturally morphed this word from what was once a word people used to describe an activity that was unavoidable (i.e. work, an event, etc.) to a word that we use to avoid doing things we don't want to do.  Yes, there are times when we are legitimately "busy," but there are a heck of a lot of times when we use it as an excuse to avoid doing things we don't want to do.  Ultimately, I have learned that people find time to do the things and see the people who are truly important to them...no matter how "busy" they are.

So, I guess I have grown weary of hearing it as an excuse for bad or rude behavior. "I am so sorry I didn't call you back, I have been so BUSY!"  "Oh, I miss you and we really need to catch up, I have just been so BUSY."  "We will get together when things aren't so BUSY."  Yes, I am guilty of using these same excuses and honestly when I think about the big picture they were/are just excuses.  It made my lack of availability or interest sound valid.  As a culture we like to think busy makes us sound important and productive but as the saying goes, chaos does not equal productivity.

Also, it comes down to what is important to you and waving away a friend or family member because you are "busy" is just bogus.  We all know how to make time for those who we really want to spend time with.  It is all about choices.  Sadly, I think our world is continuing to isolate socially and the word busy has helped it along.

Now, I know that some people feel overwhelmed and so "busy" that they have no time for anyone or anything but what makes your "busy" more significant than my "busy?"  When a friend says to me, "Oh I have been so busy that I couldn't get back to you,"... barring a true emergency or an unique season of life, I have finally come to the conclusion I don't want/need to work that hard.   See, I am a single Mom, who works a demanding full time job, is involved in Bible Studies at my church, and several community organizations, not to mention keeping a household running...but I will still make time.  But, I am learning to protect my time so I have the time to make.  I am also learning that those who are always too "busy" aren't finding a place on my calendar...not because I am too busy but because time is precious and I don't want to chase people down to spend time with them.

When asked,  "How was your day?" I no longer say, "Busy."  I say full.  Yes, this is some what of a rant but I think we all need to determine are we really busy or are we just choosing to invest our time elsewhere and are we choosing wisely?

Back With A New Name, New Address and New Directions!

Photo from: Divas Can Cook

Welcome all ones of you that may still pop by here to see if I have posted anything!  Though since I have changed my domain name, you ones may have been lost...oh, my.  Nothing like starting from scratch?

Obviously, I have not posted in a very.long.time.  I had mentioned in previous posts that I had lost direction and motivation for the blog and writing in general. It has taken some time to start figuring it out. Be warned it is still a work in progress.  I *think* I have determined my direction(s) and part of it is embracing the season I am in and incorporating the things I love into the blog the way I did when I started blogging back in 2005. (YEP.....2005!)  I started blogging as a way of journaling what, at the time, was a busy life with words and photos and I think it is time to start again...just with my new 2.0 life.

My challenge has been to some degree that I no longer fit into the "Mommy or Wife" blog world and my crafting and decorating is sparse, but I still love my South and all it offers, from fashion and our special kind of Belle Beauty, to extraordinary sights and travel, beautiful homes (even if mine is a wreck!) shopping and lest we not forget our Southern Food (notice Biscuits is right there at the top!)  My family and fur babies are still very important to me but I only have one baby still in the nest and he turns 18 in 2 months....yes, you do hear a slight Mama Meltdown in the background.  I plan to figure out how to incorporate the new dynamics of family life into my blog since we are all in a different season and it is harder than when I had them all under my roof.  By the way, my beautiful and talented daughter, who is now married and blossoming into a wonderful woman still is active and blogging at Starting out Southern.

I invite you to join me in my new online journaling adventure and lets get to know one another, both new and old!  Happy Saturday and drop me a line or two if you happen to stop by to help keep my creative juices flowing.

Bachlorette Fun!

I can't believe it but my girl of girls is getting married.  She and I became unlikely friends, partly due to  a tattoo that I just knew stood in the way of our friendship, several years ago when we were both in the throws of life changes and lots of pain.  Maybe it was a kindred spirit kind of thing because God brought us together at a time when we each felt no one else on the face of the earth could possibly understand the pain we were going through.  We walked the path of newly single together, learned the ups and down of single Motherhood to boys, shared the war stories of dating in this season of life.  We cried together...sometimes for her family, sometimes for mine and sometimes for both.

She would be the friend that I left the USA with for the first time in my life.  She was the friend with whom I will never forget the hours of talking we did late at night as we sat on the balcony of a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean and laughed and talked and opened ourselves up as only soul sisters can.  We have shared countless hours of retail therapy and shared quite a few clothes as well (another kindred love we share!)  We have been each other's "wingman," movie date, Walking Dead buddies and shared holidays during those first years when our fractured families were trying to figure it out. We have chased the loneliness out of each other's life more times that I can count. Even though it didn't always feel like it, when we got together, we knew we were going to get through another day. We walked through court proceedings, financial crisis' and  financial classes together and grew up. Yes, it was hard...but we did it.

Now, we are celebrating her upcoming nuptials to one amazing man.  They met at a work conference last year and fell head over heals.... totally and quickly.  I am so happy for her that she has found a Godly, devoted, caring and handsome man to walk the rest of this life's path with...but a little sad too.  She will be moving to his home state in June...an airplane ride away.  I am selfish and cry a little each time I think about it.  I am so happy that she has found her "true North."  I wish them a lifetime of joy, memories and more love than they can contain. But even more than that, I am so thankful to have had her by my side during the wild ride of the last few years.

Thank you, God, for the angel with the "questionable" tattoo!

It seems like more than just a year!

I can't believe it has only been a year since I was getting ready to see my baby girl get married!  This time, last year, was so busy and full of pre-wedding festivities that it almost seems like I can't remember them all!  One of my favorite memories, though, was the time I got to spend with her and her besties on Amelia Island last year. It was such a fun time. I would love to go back now!!!

My sweet daughter and Son-In-Love have shared so many wonderful firsts this past year and I think that is why it seems almost like they squeezed 5 years into 1!  There were lots of parties, a wedding, a honeymoon, a Pharmacy School Graduation, 2 new jobs, a move to a new town, new cars, a new house...just to name a few.  How can so much have changed in 1 quick year? 

The most important thing, though, is I gained a wonderful new son and my daughter is happy in her new life!  I am so glad I was able to share these memories with them and I am so proud of the life they are building.  In a little over a week they will celebrate that special 1st year Anniversary and I pray it is the first of 100 more. 

 

Before we totally move on, I thought I would do a quick recap in photos of our holidays!

We [I] started by changing up our tree décor this year.  I have to admit it was a pretty radical shake up in these parts and I got lots of strange looks from the natives when I announced such a rebellious streak in changing the tree!  I decided to use real cotton (still on the bush!), cardinals and burlap as garland.  It was a big departure for me and for the kid,s but I think once it was completed they really liked it!

We even had outside lights this year for the first time in a long time!

Also, I added a touch of Santa to my office space and my Dining Room

Side Board had just a touch of glamour to it! 

 

This is the first year I have been excited about Christmas in several, so it came out in a bit more decorating than I have been doing.  It was nice to feel like a child and get excited when I pulled up to my house at night as saw all the lights twinkling.

And what is Christmas with out some sweet Puppy dog kisses!

I got to visit with a friend's little lovers and they always make me smile!

 

Christmas Eve arrived and the party really started! There was food, crazy antics (that comes naturally when you get all my kiddos and all the dogs under one roof...I lovingly refer to it as the Bumpus Hound Reunion!)

 

For Christmas Eve we went with traditional Low Country Seafood (though those crab legs may have been bought in Georgetown, SC...I have a sneaking suspicion they aren't local....at least the shrimp was fresh off the boat!) My sweet girl made Shrimp and Grits because who doesn't love a little Shrimp and Grits?  I even caught a picture of the newlyweds sneaking a smooch! 







I got some really wonderful gifts from my parents and all my boys I do have to show off a favorite for this year (just overlook my first thing in the morning look....Santa still manages to wake my children up early on Christmas Morning!)  It is a portrait from my very special Daughter and Son-in-love's wedding. I will cherish it always because it has all my family included. I can't wait to get it framed and find just the right place to hang it so I can see all of my loves every day.

 

I was blessed to have vacation between Christmas until actually tomorrow (though work will sneak in today I am sure!) so there were some fun times just enjoying free time.  On New Year's Eve I got to walk the red carpet and felt quite like a movie star!  It was a major departure from last year when I think I slept through it!

Welcome 2017!

 

May your year be filled to the brim with abiding joy!





Happy 2016!!! Let your Sparkle Shine!

Happy New Year.  After blogging for 10 years on my other blog I am apparently having trouble truly getting started again and immersing myself in the blogging culture that provides so much inspiration and motivation to write and share.  Maybe it is due in part to the very fact that I am learning who I am again, slowly...and finally, bit by bit, remembering what I loved when I started to journal online.  This rediscovery is not painless and is not a quick process in the least, but I am accepting it with as much grace as possible and find myself sometimes surprised and what I have loved and forgotten.  There are things that brought me complete and total happiness that I just stopped remembering as I stumbled through painful and stormy days in the last couple of years.  It is hard to imagine how much of your heart and soul you can let go of and never realize it. 

 Of course, maybe it is because I don't have the many friends and family who used to read my blog to help keep me involved that I don't turn here as much; but I suppose that is part of a new start as well.  I am able to come here, and rediscover my muse (or what little of it is left.)  I have no idea if anyone reads this blog or not so in some ways there is no pressure to produce or be the face that had be painted by my earlier blog.  I am able to completely transparent...a rare thing in life. 

I have done a lot of thinking over the last few weeks and I do know I want to be the lady I once was, through and through.  I want to be able to see beauty in weeds and good in people.  I want to give of myself without fear and unselfishly.  I want to see my children and sometimes feel the love that overwhelms you and brings you to tears for no reason other than pure love.  I want a clear mind and heart that is open to new adventures, old and new friends. I want to the strength and motivation to pour into others.  Most of all, though, I want prayer and God in the center of my life regardless of the circumstances.  I want God's best in my life in all ways.  That is probably as close to a "resolution for the New Year" as you will get from me this year.  This year is about living, truly living through the dark and the light and I don't have a resolution... just a determination. 

Happy New Year, blogland!

Healing after Infidelity...

This is a battle my heart still goes through.  Not because I have love left for my ex-spouse but because I have so much love for my family and the true meaning of marriage.  I love the joy and comfort of someone who holds your heart and soul as if it were a precious, irreplaceable gem.  I love the bond that marriage represents and the security it gives children.  Marriage can represents the closest thing to the love of God we will feel this side of Heaven I am sure. Although I am often faced with the question of "why did you stay?" in an almost accusatory tone, as if I caused all the infidelities; the only answer I have is I loved my husband and I was given a glance of him, by the grace of God, to see him the way God saw him.  Even after so many betrayals I still loved and it was hard fought to give up that love.  I have come along way and can honestly say the love has gone but I still hurt and I still grieve.  Through all this, though,  I came across another blog post by a young woman who has bared her soul and the challenges of infidelity and divorce through her blog with a grace that I can only hope to have one day.  I have learned so much from her.  Please visit her post "How to Heal After Infidelity" and let her know where you found her:  How to Heal After Infidelity.  Make sure also, to share it with anyone who might be helped by her worlds. 

3 years later

I meant to blog about this yesterday, which was the anniversary of the day, 3 years ago, that my life and that of my family changed but the day got away from me.  But I can't let it go by with praising God. You see, I almost lost this little man on that day 3 years ago.  You can go back and read the story (in 3 posts) here: 2011 Ending in Prayer, (Part 1).  If you have ever seen life leaving the body of your child you will understand the deep and heart wrenching change it can have on you. You can never truly forget. You can never fully be the same.  That day, though...I saw a miracle that only God could perform.  Also, that day started a journey towards a word I knew very little about....Epilepsy.  But, as yesterday dawned I was awe struck by the blessing that I saw when my strong, healthy and seizure free young man wrapped his arms around me.

I should also mention something about our Christmas celebration.  It was fun, fully of family and friends and lots of laughter (laughter being the best medicine!) and way too much food.   I was so glad to have my sweet family gathered around me. I am very grateful for each and everyone of the them and what they bring to our family...even the fuzzy ones!.

Here's to a blessed and joyful New Year!

Two steps forward, Three steps back...

I have been doing really well lately, or at least I thought I had been..  I haven’t cried in a while.  But today, when I was getting my youngest ready for camp I opened a drawer and saw all sorts of memories.  They were clothes he had out grown, clothes from happier times when we had a whole family.  The tears started and I couldn’t stop them.  I just wanted to lay down in those clothes and cry myself to sleep.  I am crying again now as I think about it.  I miss my family and what family meant so very much.  We are now full of fractures filled with anger, hate and mistrust.  One thing I wanted my entire life is for my children to have close loving relationships with each other and I am seeing that dissolve before my very eyes. I hate this. I miss having back up when a child rearing issue comes up.. I miss knowing that there is someone who can step in when I can't handle it.  I am so tired of doing this alone.  I miss having someone to share the day with…I am lonely.  

I am tired of being strong when I really feel like “where are you God?” Why did this happen to us?

When will it ever, ever, ever get easier?

Happy 4th of July, 2014

I can't believe I am actually sitting here on the 4th blogging about the day already, but my kiddos are both napping from the fun we have had already.  I am not even sure we will make it out to see the fireworks because they are so pooped!

 Me and my baby girl!

 There were races (that is my sweet baby boy on the very right!)

 And, of course, diving for dollars saps one's energy!

 And most of all aggressive water volley ball will really take it out of you!

So, I am hoping for a second wind so we can catch the fireworks later and finish up this really wonderful celebration!  I hope you had a wonderful day filled with friends, family and fun.

Father's Day 2014

Another first, my sweet children and I on Father's Day...without Father.  The children made their own choice to spend what was going to be a really hard day together and with me.  We actually made a weekend of it, and this morning...we went to church without a Daddy. We did it.  We are growing our little family and learning new ways and new days and talking about what we want the future to look like.  We are facing  a new, unforeseen challenge but are determined to love each other through it.   I am facing an unforeseen opportunity that my kids have encouraged me wholeheartedly to pursue, though I am not sure I am up for the task and I have a hard decision to make.

It isn't a path we chose, or ever would have chosen...but we are walking.

If you are a Dad or plan to be a Dad,  I hope you feel the words in this video and love your wife and children just a little more...
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An Open Letter to Husbands & Dads....

 

Photo from Chad Stutzman: A Word to Husbands

An Open Letter to Husbands and Dads,

I am a single Mom whose husband chose a different life than that of husband and father so I feel uniquely qualified to write to men (do any even read this blog?) as we near Father’s Dad.  Also, many of you read my “An Open Letter toWives” so I think I should balance the scales a bit.  I believe in the joy and gift of marriage and family so I hope somehow, somewhere these words will help build, repair or just brighten a relationship that might need a little attention.

Our culture isn’t very pro-family, pro-marriage or pro-commitment.  It screams at every chance “grab what you want” “you deserve this or that” “make yourself happy!” Please, men…if you are on that fence, jump down.   If you have already walked to the greener grass, have the courage to walk back and build a foundation that will support your children and family for generations to come. If you are just going through the motions and not feeling the contentment that you should feel,  open your hearts to the family you have been gifted and let God give you a love for them that is beyond anything you could have ever created yourself.  Don’t let the miracle slip through your fingers.  Let yourself fall in love with your wife and your children…let yourself fall inexplicably, undeniably in love with the gift God has created. Just for you.

 

As cliché as it, loving your wife is the greatest gift you can give your children. It sets them up for a lifetime of how to love.  Look at that woman who God created for you and remember what that first kiss felt like, and why you fell in love with her in the first place. Each day tell her something lovely about herself, remind her that you chose HER.  Take down the walls we all build up and walk to her side (even if she isn’t willing) and let God pour into your marriage.  Let yourself fall in love like never before and love with abandon like there is no tomorrow. 

You are a man, created by God, and He created you to love and lead your family and your rewards will far outweigh whatever short term pleasure you see in life on the other side of the fence.

Signed,

Used to be a Wife

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,"

 Ephesians 5:25

Belated Mother's Day Post

This post is a few days over due, but this week has had a few unexpected things happen and I had to work all day on Mother's Day so there was no time for blogging. I guess better late than never?  This year's Mother's Day was like all the holidays so far...it felt weird and there was a gap missing but I still know that I am overwhelmingly blessed by my 3 soon to be 4 because that includes includes my future son-in-law!

God gave me 3 amazing individuals to love, invest in and the wonderful opportunity to pour myself into their lives. Motherhood has been an amazing journey and a peek into Heaven for me.  I loved being pregnant, loved having babies and dreaded when each season ended because that took us one step closer to them being grown. I so wish I could pull them in close and breathe in that baby fragrance just one more time.

God also gave them each  huge hearts and they have been my rock over the last few months.  I am sure I would not have made it, if not for them and their unfailing love. I am so grateful for the gifts of their love.  Our family no long looks like it once did, and I never dreamed I would be a single Mom, and we are having to find new ways to navigate life, but they are my blessings beyond measure and I am so glad to have had them with me on Mother's Day.

"Let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth."

1 John 3:18

Don't let it come too late...

Something is really weighing on me today (whoohoo, surprise!!!) I don’t understand something about our culture, individually, and as whole.  What has happened to us?  When did we morph into a world where a person’s word means nothing and we seek our own pleasure and to intentionally hurt others openly with total disregard? When did we become a generation of men and women who can’t control ourselves to the point it doesn’t matter what happens past our own desires. When did we become a people that will choose to sacrifice others on the altar of “my own needs/wants?”  I KNOW there have always been people like that…but what I don’t understand is why don’t individuals realize that their personal choices are impacting our world…not just their little corner?  When did “ME” become so important?

I believe we have an enemy.  I believe there is a God, and in turn believe there is a Satan and on a very individual level we are responsible for letting him lose or gain ground.  Not even looking at the bigger picture of the world, if you only listen to the news in your own town, you will hear of those whose individual choices left devastation.  The most recent Fort Hood shooter destroyed so many lives…including his own family.  Yes, his choice will forever affect hisfamily too, and the friends and families of his many other victims.  His grandchildren will still know the reminders of those choices.  His wife and children, along with each and every family he stole someone from, will forever hurt from this one incident.  Why? 

Maybe our individual bad choices aren’t literally killing others but they do set the death trap for Satan to make the kill.  My bad choices don’t have to be something as dramatic as being a shooter on a military base, but they do come down to each choice, every day. I am going through a divorce, that is not right in any sense of the word and not of my choosing, and it does color my view as I am seeing these things up close and personal; but I am overwhelmed with how callused we, as individuals, have become to the pain we cause others and how we refuse to accept the responsibility for our choices or refuse to make different ones if they might cause us to be personally uncomfortable, have a little pain or just not provide us with the exact pay out we desire.  Maybe I shouldn’t write these words because I am as guilty as anyone else.   Satan was allowed to destroy my marriage, so he destroyed a family, and in turn, in a way he destroys a church, then he destroys a community, and he destroys future generations.  It has been handed him on a silver platter.  The keys to the gate of protection have been handed over and the invitation issued, “Come on in and take what you like.” 

If I don’t take captive every thought and every choice, I am personally responsible for surrendering my family and a little bit more of this world to an enemy who has come to devour it.   I am not perfect, and have caused pain but the very clear truth is the only way to make anything better in this world is to keep trying and keep focusing on the true Word of God and a Savior named Jesus, that died just so that we might have life.  Look at what is right and what is true in the face of Christ and keep striving…perfection is not is required…just progress...and through His forgiveness He offers us that every day.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. 

 ~Philippians 3:12-14 (NIV)