Back to Writing?

It is has really been a long time since I have stopped to write anything of any substance but the words have been taunting me lately, mostly in spurts in the car or when I am tied up with something and later I am too tired to capture them.

It has been a such a season of change (it seems it always is.)  My baby boy is experiencing his last year of high school with college in the cross hairs for next year.  I have almost melted down over this more than once; not because I don't want him to grow and go and experience all he was meant to but because I am selfish and fear life truly "alone."  I think about what it will be like to live without anyone coming home...just me and the dogs.  Yes, I know there are people who do it all the time and for years and years...but, honestly, I can't say I am looking forward to it.

Also, my current living situation is in flux as decisions about selling the house are in the air and although I try not to worry...worry comes.  If it were just me, it wouldn't be a bit deal; but it isn't just me...it is my son and our two fur-babies. Oh, and I am one of those people who doesn't like not knowing the plan.  I like plans.

On top of that, there are a couple of other area that I am  uncertain about and so my anxiety has been  having a fun time lately.  That is frustrating as I have been without the anxiety for quite a while until just lately and it has returned.  Maybe it is just part of who I am and I need to relax about not being able to relax?

Ultimately, over the last week or so I have realized that the last 6 years of stress and change have finally caught up with me and I am tired.  I am tired of things being hard. I just think it has been too long holding up all the loose ends.  I am also tired of people saying, "Wow, you have it so together!" when they never stop to get to know that I don't and that sometimes I need help too.  It is like you get criticized if you don't have it together so you smile and make sure it looks all together while inside you are criticizing yourself.  Crazy, huh?

I long for normal (what ever that is???) I long for loneliness to go away. I long for my family.  I long for something more and something less....peace and security mostly.

Wise words on Worry...

Source: spirituallythinking.blogspot.com via Centsational on Pinterest

This quote is from Corrie Ten Boom (who, if you haven't read about her or know her story, is pretty amazing and inspiring and worth checking out!)  and I am trying to take it to heart and practice it every day!  Though I tend to then worry about whether or not I am just living in denial (yes....obsessive, I know!) but I keep trying to focus on this verse from Matthew:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,

for tomorrow will worry about itself.

Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34 (NIV)

Can you tell I am a worrier???  Yes, it is true.  I am a planner, an organizer, and by nature an obsessive worrier.  It is genetic, I come from a long line of obsessive worriers.  We literally have it down to a hyperventilating, hand wringing science.    One thing that is coming out of the current trials I am dealing with is having to face that I have no control.    Really, it is so much bigger than I am.  So, I am trying out the experience of living in this very moment (which is really hard if you are always worrying about the next moment) and having faith enough to get through it. Since I have no control, there is no need to worry.  You see, my worry comes out of the struggle to have some sense of control over situations and fear.  I have no control...and God is with me so I will not fear...and I will hold boldly to that in this moment!