Now and Then

 

             Now...                                                                      Then...

What a journey! I’m getting real and showing you a snapshot of my life now (2022) versus back then (2013 - the worst time in my life). There’s so much more of me NOW: more curves, more brunette, more wrinkles, and more health—physical, spiritual, and mental. I’ve gained more strength, more boundaries, more confidence, more love, more laughs, and more grace. But there were some definite “mores” back THEN too: more blonde, more sickness, more tears, more pain, more loss, more fear, and more thigh gap. 

Sure, maybe I’d take back a bit of that thigh gap and trade a curve or two, but honestly, I’m pretty amazed at who I’ve become. I try not to dwell  too much on the past and the time lost due to those events, but something about these two photos—taken in the same place, during the same holiday week 11 years apart—made me reflect.

The blonde woman on the right was gearing up for the fight of her life, unaware that within weeks, everything she knew would be gone. She had no idea her health was failing, leading to a medical crisis that would last three years. She didn’t know she’d become a single parent, starting a new life on her own. She was holding onto hope, believing in commitments and promises. Her ability to comprehend loss was limited… but she learned.

Since those days, that skinny blonde went back to her roots—quite literally (brunette joke!). She learned a lot, though it wasn’t quick or easy. I never want to repeat those life lessons, and no one understands the price I paid more than I do. I didn’t deserve what happened, but when I look at the plump brunette on the left, I see strength earned through battles fought. Not all battles were won, and scars still show from time to time. The victories often look different than I imagined. I lost a lot but gained a life I could never have dreamed of. Some of it is a trade-off, and I know nothing is ever an even trade. Mostly, though, I am MORE! I am EXTRA and proud of it. Ultimately, I have the best win: knowing that those who couldn’t handle the “then girl” could never handle or be worthy of the “now girl.”

Can you believe it has been almost 3 months since I have been here?

My attempt to come back to blogging has proven to be more challenging than  it ever used to be!  I don't know if it has been a state of mind, lack of time or just missing muse, but I am back and really hope that I can open up more and share and make this place on the internets mine!  I met so many wonderful friends online and in real life through blogging; not to mention it was really a wonderful way to journal my life...the good, the bad and the ugly!  So many of you gave me so much support as my life crumbled and it was a beautiful gift.  I find myself now writing blog posts in my mind while on the way to an appointment or meeting but never seeming to make it away from my work computer long enough to blog on my personal computer!

I talked a lot about transparency, but that is a trait I am still refining and as my life has changed so very much in the last 3 years it has taken on new meaning and relevance.  I have been accused on many occasions of being fake.  I know that was a term chosen for its intended blow because I tried to live as transparently as possible, while not hurting others and hiding secrets not my own.  But, now, in my "new life" I can be perfectly transparent and perfectly imperfect.  So maybe that isn't a bad trade? 

Right now, at this very moment, I am full of joy and also sadness.  I am joyful because after living in what felt like a perpetual state of being underwater, I have finally broken through the surface and am breathing again.  Color is seeping back into my world. I am sad because I have missed so much allowing myself to become one of the walking wounded.  I have not been the Mother I wish I could have been.  Yes, I was a "good enough" Mother, providing and making sure everything was taken care of but I wish I had been more...but I am imperfect.  I failed my children in so many ways and they deserved better.  I deserved better. My friends and family deserved better.  But...I am finished with blaming and stumbling...I am ready to walk forward and learn to dance. 

For so many years I lived in a state of fear and I am finally not afraid anymore.  I am seeing God work in my life and I am seeking comfort in His Word again for the first time in a long time.  I am so glad that He knows me better than I know myself and He is patient, even with a particularly difficult, hard-headed child like me! :-)

Mourning has ended and the sun has come to shine again.  I will face battles still, but I will survive, win or lose. I will make mistakes but  I will make it...because I am stronger than we could have ever imagined.